I'm just sitting at a table waiting for the dinner that I ordered. A door slams. I hear yelling in the kitchen. A toddler over at the next table is screaming. People are talking loudly to be heard over all the other noise. Maybe I'm already trying to manage my anxiety that day because I've been having a particularly bad day due to my OCD intrusive thoughts. My anxiety is quickly climbing to the level that usually means the tears are going to start flowing. I'm in public, and realizing that only adds to my anxiety. I feel a panic attack looming. What will everyone think? I CANNOT have a panic attack in public, in front of all these strange people.
The scenario I depicted above is one that I still find myself in at least once a month. I go somewhere, and I'm perfectly fine the whole time I'm in the car. Then I get inside (movie theater, restaurant, shopping mall, store crammed with people, or the grocery store around a holiday when people frantically hurry from one aisle to the next), and something makes my anxiety skyrocket. Suddenly, I feel like I can't breathe, the tears come, and I'm about to be in full-on panic. This sort of thing happens at home sometimes, too, but it always seems so much worse when I'm out in public.
I used to just suck it up as best I could while I was in public. I vowed that I would behave as normally as possible no matter what. This just made the anxiety worse, and I would usually push myself right into a panic attack because I was so aware of my body and the anxiety symptoms.
I showed up for a therapy appointment not too long ago in a state of heightened anxiety, trying to force myself not to have a panic attack. I had been trying the deep breathing exercises like I was supposed to. I had even tried the grounding technique that I was familiar with. I was still on the verge of panic. Then my therapist taught me a new grounding technique that worked. She called it Being Like a Dog, but in my mind I refer to it as Zoning In because that makes more sense to me. I use it all the time now because it doesn't require movement or any objects that I would have to carry around. It also doesn't require the deep breathing, but you can do that, too, if you want. I also chew gum when I get very anxious, but you don't have to do that.
Being Like a Dog (AKA Zoning In):
You're basically zoning in on each of your senses, one at a time. It gets you to focus on things outside of yourself and your anxiety symptoms. It also makes you focus on the present moment, what's around you right now. It's unnoticeable to everyone around me, so I like it especially for when I feel panicked in public. You can say these things to yourself or a friend, or you can type them in your phone notepad, or write them down. (I usually silently say them to myself.)
1. What do you hear? Ex. right now I hear my fan humming and the TV in the next room.
2. What do you see? Ex. I see my orange blanket, coffee cup, and the sun in my window.
3. What do you feel? Ex. I feel the breeze from my fan, and my warm coffee cup in my hand.
4. What do you smell? Ex. I smell coffee and lavender.
5. What do you taste? Ex. I taste the coffee I'm drinking. (Gum, your food at the restaurant, ect.)
I may have to repeat this a few times, depending on how much anxiety I'm dealing with. You can repeat as many times as you need to. It's okay if you don't have something going on for all five of your senses. Maybe it's quiet wherever you are or you don't smell or taste anything, but you should still include all 5 senses in your list each time.
I'll end with this: Experiencing an anxiety attack in public can feel worse than the ones you experience at home. Holding it all in and pretending to be perfectly fine can make it worse. Just remember: odds are in your favor that no one is watching you at all (let alone to see if you're normal or anything like that). The grounding technique I mentioned above is a wonderful thing, but I'm definitely not saying that is the ONLY tool to manage your anxiety in public.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Talking to Myself
"Don't be ridiculous, Megan. Come on, you know you're not actually going to suffocate. Just stop it! This is stupid. You were fine. What did you do? Why can't you just...?" This was the conversation I had with myself (in my head, of course) the other night, during and after an anxiety spike. This is the conversation that I have internally pretty much every time I experience an anxiety spike. I sound harsh, right?
I basically say everything to myself that I wouldn't want anyone else to say to me. I'd be angry with someone if they talked to me the way I talk to myself about my anxiety. I would never say these things to anyone else struggling with any kind of mental health condition. I would be understanding, kind, and (hopefully) helpful if I stumbled upon a friend in the middle of an anxiety attack. Yet, I wasn't extending the same understanding and kindness to myself.
I didn't even realize how negative I was when I talked to myself about my OCD until my therapist pointed it out. At my last session, she asked me what I would think or say to myself while I was experiencing an anxiety spike. I gave her the rundown of my usual internal conversation. She was quick to point out that I could definitely turn my internal dialogue in a more positive direction.
Negative self talk can have damaging consequences. I was putting more pressure on myself than I should have been to continue improvements instead of just being grateful that I've improved at all. I was saying some pretty harsh things to myself, and that was keeping my confidence on the low end when I was dealing with my OCD, which in turn was making my spikes last longer and be worse in general than they should have been.
My negative self talk was also keeping me focused on the physical symptoms of my anxiety. I felt like I couldn't breathe, so I was reminding myself over and over that I wasn't actually going to suffocate, which wasn't helpful. My chest hurt, so I was reminding myself that a panic attack wasn't actually going to cause a heart attack. I was scanning my thoughts and even the events of the day to see what I had done to cause my own spike, which just kept me locked in rumination and made me blame myself. Then I was getting frustrated because I couldn't just shut down the anxiety, which just added to the anxiety. I had anxiety about my anxiety, and the way I was talking to myself about it was only making things worse.
I was doing the breathing exercises. I was distracting myself. I was trying mindfulness. I was burning lavender oil. I was even trying out yoga. My therapist even said I was doing a lot of the right things to deal with the sudden spikes. The problem was the fact that I was being so negative in the way that I was thinking about my anxiety and talking to myself about it that it that it just kept feeding the anxiety monster.
I've been more careful with the way I talk to myself lately. When I catch myself engaging in negative self talk, I've started to try to correct it. Instead of saying, "You know you're not going to suffocate," I say instead, "My body is getting enough air." Then instead of blaming myself for having the spike in the first place, I remind myself that maybe it wasn't my fault because my brain may have picked up something in my environment that I wasn't even aware of and associated it with something else that sent off the alarm signals that caused the spike in my anxiety. I've started to notice a significant decrease in my free-floating anxiety as I've tried to engage in more positive self talk. Once again, it feels like I might actually be able to get my anxiety under control.
I'll end with this: Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. If you wouldn't say it to your friend or someone else you love, why would you say it to yourself? Be careful with the words and the tone you choose when you talk to yourself about anything, but especially when you talk to yourself about something, like a mental health condition, that isn't even your fault.
I basically say everything to myself that I wouldn't want anyone else to say to me. I'd be angry with someone if they talked to me the way I talk to myself about my anxiety. I would never say these things to anyone else struggling with any kind of mental health condition. I would be understanding, kind, and (hopefully) helpful if I stumbled upon a friend in the middle of an anxiety attack. Yet, I wasn't extending the same understanding and kindness to myself.
I didn't even realize how negative I was when I talked to myself about my OCD until my therapist pointed it out. At my last session, she asked me what I would think or say to myself while I was experiencing an anxiety spike. I gave her the rundown of my usual internal conversation. She was quick to point out that I could definitely turn my internal dialogue in a more positive direction.
Negative self talk can have damaging consequences. I was putting more pressure on myself than I should have been to continue improvements instead of just being grateful that I've improved at all. I was saying some pretty harsh things to myself, and that was keeping my confidence on the low end when I was dealing with my OCD, which in turn was making my spikes last longer and be worse in general than they should have been.
My negative self talk was also keeping me focused on the physical symptoms of my anxiety. I felt like I couldn't breathe, so I was reminding myself over and over that I wasn't actually going to suffocate, which wasn't helpful. My chest hurt, so I was reminding myself that a panic attack wasn't actually going to cause a heart attack. I was scanning my thoughts and even the events of the day to see what I had done to cause my own spike, which just kept me locked in rumination and made me blame myself. Then I was getting frustrated because I couldn't just shut down the anxiety, which just added to the anxiety. I had anxiety about my anxiety, and the way I was talking to myself about it was only making things worse.
I was doing the breathing exercises. I was distracting myself. I was trying mindfulness. I was burning lavender oil. I was even trying out yoga. My therapist even said I was doing a lot of the right things to deal with the sudden spikes. The problem was the fact that I was being so negative in the way that I was thinking about my anxiety and talking to myself about it that it that it just kept feeding the anxiety monster.
I've been more careful with the way I talk to myself lately. When I catch myself engaging in negative self talk, I've started to try to correct it. Instead of saying, "You know you're not going to suffocate," I say instead, "My body is getting enough air." Then instead of blaming myself for having the spike in the first place, I remind myself that maybe it wasn't my fault because my brain may have picked up something in my environment that I wasn't even aware of and associated it with something else that sent off the alarm signals that caused the spike in my anxiety. I've started to notice a significant decrease in my free-floating anxiety as I've tried to engage in more positive self talk. Once again, it feels like I might actually be able to get my anxiety under control.
I'll end with this: Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. If you wouldn't say it to your friend or someone else you love, why would you say it to yourself? Be careful with the words and the tone you choose when you talk to yourself about anything, but especially when you talk to yourself about something, like a mental health condition, that isn't even your fault.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
The Small Victories
I had a conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago, and we were talking about some changes that I had started to notice. An example is that when I wake up these days, my mind is quiet or filled with thoughts that fall into the neutral category, like whether or not it's a workout day, instead of the intrusive thoughts that I've been waking up with for years. Yes, I still experience anxiety, but it's more of a free-floating anxiety instead of the anxiety brought on by my intrusive thoughts.
I was sort of beating myself up for still having anxiety, even the random free-floating anxiety, more days of the week than I was being calm. I was trying to be patient, but after being in therapy for 3 months, I wondered if I should be seeing bigger improvements. I was still making small improvements, but I was worried that they weren't enough, like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
My therapist thought I was being too hard on myself, and I was. She told me something like, "It's really the small victories...they're important because they give you the confidence you need in yourself to be able to continue to improve." She had a point.
It's like this: When you learn to drive a car, you don't just get in it and go right for the main roads with all the traffic and things like that. You start off slow. You learn where the gas and the break are. You learn how all the knobs and buttons in the car work and what they're for. Then maybe you back up and drive down your driveway a few times. Then you might take the car though your neighborhood (and hopefully you don't cry behind the wheel like me). The point: You learned to drive in small pieces. You couldn't just get in it and drive yourself to school on the first day. All those small pieces you learned were important pieces, and when you got the hang of them, you were confident and proud of yourself for accomplishing something.
Mental health, especially recovery from and even the day-to-day management of some mental health condition that grabs hold and throws your life out of whack, can be thought of in the same way. You recover in little, but still very important, pieces. Those small victories you have, like going a whole day without a panic attack when you have panic attacks everyday, or managing to get up and shower when you're depressed, are super important. Those small victories give you more confidence to think that maybe you can get better. Those small victories give you hope. They get you thinking about the big victories you could see in the future, or they may even spur you into more wellness-oriented changes you could make, like trying out yoga or whatever your idea of wellness practice includes.
I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized that because of the little pieces and the little changes I've made, I haven't had a panic attack in just over two months. I started off thinking that if I could go 24 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. Then I started thinking that if I could go 48 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. My small victories added up. Now, I'm just working on managing the anxiety instead of being terrified that a panic attack is going to hit me at any second.
I'll end with this: Even the small victories are important when you're getting your life back after or during a struggle with a mental health condition. Those small victories add up. Remember to stop for a second and recognize your victories no matter how small because you worked to achieve them.
I was sort of beating myself up for still having anxiety, even the random free-floating anxiety, more days of the week than I was being calm. I was trying to be patient, but after being in therapy for 3 months, I wondered if I should be seeing bigger improvements. I was still making small improvements, but I was worried that they weren't enough, like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
My therapist thought I was being too hard on myself, and I was. She told me something like, "It's really the small victories...they're important because they give you the confidence you need in yourself to be able to continue to improve." She had a point.
It's like this: When you learn to drive a car, you don't just get in it and go right for the main roads with all the traffic and things like that. You start off slow. You learn where the gas and the break are. You learn how all the knobs and buttons in the car work and what they're for. Then maybe you back up and drive down your driveway a few times. Then you might take the car though your neighborhood (and hopefully you don't cry behind the wheel like me). The point: You learned to drive in small pieces. You couldn't just get in it and drive yourself to school on the first day. All those small pieces you learned were important pieces, and when you got the hang of them, you were confident and proud of yourself for accomplishing something.
Mental health, especially recovery from and even the day-to-day management of some mental health condition that grabs hold and throws your life out of whack, can be thought of in the same way. You recover in little, but still very important, pieces. Those small victories you have, like going a whole day without a panic attack when you have panic attacks everyday, or managing to get up and shower when you're depressed, are super important. Those small victories give you more confidence to think that maybe you can get better. Those small victories give you hope. They get you thinking about the big victories you could see in the future, or they may even spur you into more wellness-oriented changes you could make, like trying out yoga or whatever your idea of wellness practice includes.
I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized that because of the little pieces and the little changes I've made, I haven't had a panic attack in just over two months. I started off thinking that if I could go 24 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. Then I started thinking that if I could go 48 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. My small victories added up. Now, I'm just working on managing the anxiety instead of being terrified that a panic attack is going to hit me at any second.
I'll end with this: Even the small victories are important when you're getting your life back after or during a struggle with a mental health condition. Those small victories add up. Remember to stop for a second and recognize your victories no matter how small because you worked to achieve them.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
If You Can't Afford a Therapist
I saw this link someone shared on Facebook the other day mentioning free and very cheap resources for people when they can't afford to see a therapist, and I got pretty excited about it. I didn't know about a bunch of the stuff on the website's list, and I hadn't been aware that things for mental health services were free (aside from crisis hotlines). So, I did some digging, too, and I found a couple of other free resources to add to that list. (I'll post all the websites I used at the end of this blog post.)
1. Crisis Hotlines or Call Centers:
I saw numbers listed for all sorts of call centers for everything from suicide prevention, OCD PTSD, domestic violence, to LGBT-related issues.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
GLBT National Helpline: 1-888-843-4564
GLBT National Helpline for Youth: 1-800-246-7743
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-799-7223/LGBT: 1-800-832-1901
National Eating Disorder Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
Veterans Crisis Line (for veterans and their families): 1-800-237-8255
*This isn't the full list, so check out the website for more.
2. Mental Health Apps:
I've really been looking at these apps for your smartphone, but I don't have personal experience with them. Most of them are free in Google or Play Stores (whatever is on your phone). Just click where it tells you to download or install and then you'll have your mental health app at your fingertips.
Operation Reach Out: This app was designed to aid suicide prevention (free iOS and Android)
PTSD Coach: This app is linked directly to support services and helps deal with specific issues (free for iOS and Android, also available on the web to download)
Stop! Breathe! Think!: This app helps cultivate mindfulness to reduce stress (free iOS & Android)
Mindshift: This app is for anxiety management (free iOS and Android)
*This isn't a full list, so check the websites and maybe Google some additional things if interested.
3. Support Groups:
I have seen postings around my small town for support groups for Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and general substance abuse, but I haven't seen any for mental health conditions. You can Google services like that in your area, or check with your local community health organization. Support groups are free, usually informal, usually with a non-therapist (just a regular person) leading discussions about whatever the specified issue is for the group.
4. Workbooks:
Workbooks aren't free, but you can get them for pretty cheap prices on websites like Amazon. On Kindle or tablets some books are as cheap as $0.99. Others that come in hardcopy format are under $30, and used for $10 and under. They have workbooks for OCD, Anxiety, Depression (including teen and Bipolar depression), eating disorders, ADHD, personality disorders, and PTSD. All you have to do is search Amazon and pick the right workbook for you.
I used a workbook to help with my OCD (a practice outside of therapy sort of thing), and it helped me more than I thought it would. I read the workbook, did some of the thought-centered exercises, and it changed the way I thought about my OCD completely. It wasn't a fast or easy process, but I still recommend trying a workbook if you can't afford a therapist.
5. Websites:
Websites can also be a good resource if you can't afford a therapist. Some have an online forum or chat for mental health-related topics, and some are just to help you gain information.
OK2TALK: For teens and young adults dealing with mental illness, an online forum to share personal stories and provide support.
Trevor Space: For members of the LGBT community to share stories and support.
IMAlive: An online crisis chat staffed by trained and supervised volunteers across the country.
If you just want information check out these resources:
International OCD Foundation
National Alliance on Mental Illness AKA NAMI (can provide you with a list of resources. They also have Pinterest boards!)
MentalHealth.gov
National Institute of Mental Health
National Eating Disorders Association of America
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
I'll end with this: If you can't afford a therapist, and you're struggling, please, don't think that it'll never get better. Check out some other resources like workbooks, help lines, mobile phone apps, and online chats. Help is out there, and it's very cheap or free, if you look in the right places. If you don't know how to look, ask someone. You can even ask me.
The websites I used:
1.http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy
2. http://rumpfcounseling.com/blog/2015/6/8/apps-for-mental-health
3. https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
1. Crisis Hotlines or Call Centers:
I saw numbers listed for all sorts of call centers for everything from suicide prevention, OCD PTSD, domestic violence, to LGBT-related issues.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
GLBT National Helpline: 1-888-843-4564
GLBT National Helpline for Youth: 1-800-246-7743
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-799-7223/LGBT: 1-800-832-1901
National Eating Disorder Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
Veterans Crisis Line (for veterans and their families): 1-800-237-8255
*This isn't the full list, so check out the website for more.
2. Mental Health Apps:
I've really been looking at these apps for your smartphone, but I don't have personal experience with them. Most of them are free in Google or Play Stores (whatever is on your phone). Just click where it tells you to download or install and then you'll have your mental health app at your fingertips.
Operation Reach Out: This app was designed to aid suicide prevention (free iOS and Android)
PTSD Coach: This app is linked directly to support services and helps deal with specific issues (free for iOS and Android, also available on the web to download)
Stop! Breathe! Think!: This app helps cultivate mindfulness to reduce stress (free iOS & Android)
Mindshift: This app is for anxiety management (free iOS and Android)
*This isn't a full list, so check the websites and maybe Google some additional things if interested.
3. Support Groups:
I have seen postings around my small town for support groups for Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and general substance abuse, but I haven't seen any for mental health conditions. You can Google services like that in your area, or check with your local community health organization. Support groups are free, usually informal, usually with a non-therapist (just a regular person) leading discussions about whatever the specified issue is for the group.
4. Workbooks:
Workbooks aren't free, but you can get them for pretty cheap prices on websites like Amazon. On Kindle or tablets some books are as cheap as $0.99. Others that come in hardcopy format are under $30, and used for $10 and under. They have workbooks for OCD, Anxiety, Depression (including teen and Bipolar depression), eating disorders, ADHD, personality disorders, and PTSD. All you have to do is search Amazon and pick the right workbook for you.
I used a workbook to help with my OCD (a practice outside of therapy sort of thing), and it helped me more than I thought it would. I read the workbook, did some of the thought-centered exercises, and it changed the way I thought about my OCD completely. It wasn't a fast or easy process, but I still recommend trying a workbook if you can't afford a therapist.
5. Websites:
Websites can also be a good resource if you can't afford a therapist. Some have an online forum or chat for mental health-related topics, and some are just to help you gain information.
OK2TALK: For teens and young adults dealing with mental illness, an online forum to share personal stories and provide support.
Trevor Space: For members of the LGBT community to share stories and support.
IMAlive: An online crisis chat staffed by trained and supervised volunteers across the country.
If you just want information check out these resources:
International OCD Foundation
National Alliance on Mental Illness AKA NAMI (can provide you with a list of resources. They also have Pinterest boards!)
MentalHealth.gov
National Institute of Mental Health
National Eating Disorders Association of America
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
I'll end with this: If you can't afford a therapist, and you're struggling, please, don't think that it'll never get better. Check out some other resources like workbooks, help lines, mobile phone apps, and online chats. Help is out there, and it's very cheap or free, if you look in the right places. If you don't know how to look, ask someone. You can even ask me.
The websites I used:
1.http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy
2. http://rumpfcounseling.com/blog/2015/6/8/apps-for-mental-health
3. https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Oh So Trendy
Right before Valentine's Day, I had a strange thing happen. I was talking to someone, and the topic turned to mental health. The person was detailing their struggle with what seemed to be Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I talked about my blog and mentioned that I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and the person says, without missing a beat, "I have that, too." Then they went back to talking about their GAD-related struggles. I mentioned intrusive thoughts, and the person had no idea what I was talking about. (This person also hadn't been diagnosed with OCD, that I am aware of...and this person was very happy to tell me what they had been diagnosed with. OCD wasn't in the list.) This person was also happy to proclaim proudly that they were "crazy".
I wasn't bothered by this sudden addition to the list of conditions. This person just had no idea about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or I would have gladly talked to them about it. So, I left wondering if this person actually had OCD. Maybe the person did have some form of OCD, and they just weren't educated about it. Maybe they just think all anxiety disorders are the same. I don't know for sure. I mean, if they didn't have OCD why would they say they did? That didn't make sense to me.
Then, the other night, I was reading some things online about mental health, and I came across something that really didn't sit well with me. I read something like, "OCD is the trendy mental disorder to have right now." This statement was followed by something like, "Having a mental disorder in general is trendy right now." Then something like, "Quirks and awkwardness are trendy right now, so a lot of people are claiming to have mental disorders, especially OCD, when they don't have them." I thought this had to be some kind of mistake.
I did some research, and it turns out that it wasn't a mistake. I saw blog posts and essays and things like that detailing incidences where people were claiming to have OCD because, say, they didn't like melted cheese on their pasta, and, say, because they stopped a waiter in a restaurant and asked him to straighten a crooked picture hanging on the wall. I also saw the usual "neat freak" references and the checking references. Apparently none of the people that did the "so OCD" things experienced any anxiety (according to the writers of the mentioned blog posts, essays, and Tumblr posts), and the people sort of made a joke about it afterwards. The actual OCD sufferers were upset by these things, hence their posts.
When did mental illness become a trend like the clothes we wear? When did someone suffering everyday, with intrusive thoughts and time consuming rituals followed by overwhelming guilt and shame, some even to the point that they take their own lives, become a trend that people wanted to be part of or joke about? Excuse me, but I don't feel very trendy. I feel frustrated and maybe even a little bit angry about it. It feels like everyone that says these things is belittling everyone out there who is struggling with a mental health condition, almost like they're saying, "You're fight doesn't matter to us because everyone knows mental health conditions aren't real problems anyway."
Nobody says, "I'm so diabetic!" when they aren't. Nobody says, "I have AIDS or cancer, too!" when they don't. As a result, people with these illnesses aren't afraid to seek help, or that people won't believe they have them, or that someone will make a joke about them having such illnesses. Nobody thinks these serious illnesses are trendy. No one wants to have these serious illnesses to be cute or cool. Why are mental health conditions viewed so differently?
I'll end with this: Mental health conditions are not trends. Jokingly (or seriously) saying you have a condition because it seems cute or interesting or funny at this time in our society only makes the people that do have them feel the stigma of mental illness that much more. If you wouldn't say it about diabetes or AIDS or cancer, please don't say it about mental health conditions.
I wasn't bothered by this sudden addition to the list of conditions. This person just had no idea about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or I would have gladly talked to them about it. So, I left wondering if this person actually had OCD. Maybe the person did have some form of OCD, and they just weren't educated about it. Maybe they just think all anxiety disorders are the same. I don't know for sure. I mean, if they didn't have OCD why would they say they did? That didn't make sense to me.
Then, the other night, I was reading some things online about mental health, and I came across something that really didn't sit well with me. I read something like, "OCD is the trendy mental disorder to have right now." This statement was followed by something like, "Having a mental disorder in general is trendy right now." Then something like, "Quirks and awkwardness are trendy right now, so a lot of people are claiming to have mental disorders, especially OCD, when they don't have them." I thought this had to be some kind of mistake.
I did some research, and it turns out that it wasn't a mistake. I saw blog posts and essays and things like that detailing incidences where people were claiming to have OCD because, say, they didn't like melted cheese on their pasta, and, say, because they stopped a waiter in a restaurant and asked him to straighten a crooked picture hanging on the wall. I also saw the usual "neat freak" references and the checking references. Apparently none of the people that did the "so OCD" things experienced any anxiety (according to the writers of the mentioned blog posts, essays, and Tumblr posts), and the people sort of made a joke about it afterwards. The actual OCD sufferers were upset by these things, hence their posts.
When did mental illness become a trend like the clothes we wear? When did someone suffering everyday, with intrusive thoughts and time consuming rituals followed by overwhelming guilt and shame, some even to the point that they take their own lives, become a trend that people wanted to be part of or joke about? Excuse me, but I don't feel very trendy. I feel frustrated and maybe even a little bit angry about it. It feels like everyone that says these things is belittling everyone out there who is struggling with a mental health condition, almost like they're saying, "You're fight doesn't matter to us because everyone knows mental health conditions aren't real problems anyway."
Nobody says, "I'm so diabetic!" when they aren't. Nobody says, "I have AIDS or cancer, too!" when they don't. As a result, people with these illnesses aren't afraid to seek help, or that people won't believe they have them, or that someone will make a joke about them having such illnesses. Nobody thinks these serious illnesses are trendy. No one wants to have these serious illnesses to be cute or cool. Why are mental health conditions viewed so differently?
I'll end with this: Mental health conditions are not trends. Jokingly (or seriously) saying you have a condition because it seems cute or interesting or funny at this time in our society only makes the people that do have them feel the stigma of mental illness that much more. If you wouldn't say it about diabetes or AIDS or cancer, please don't say it about mental health conditions.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
We're All Warriors
My therapist said something a few weeks ago, and it sort of stuck with me. I mentioned that I felt like I was weak because I was having a hard time dealing with my anxiety. If I'm being honest, having a mental health condition made me feel like I was weak. I felt like the people that didn't have to deal with a mental health condition were stronger, or hardier, than me, like maybe if I was stronger, I would be better able to deal with my anxiety or I wouldn't have an anxiety disorder in the first place.
Then my therapist looked at me, and she said, "You know, if you took the anxiety out of your brain and put it into someone else's brain, they wouldn't be able to deal with your level of anxiety. They just couldn't deal with it. So, I don't think you're weak. I think you're more like a warrior." I just had to sit there for a second and process that. I hadn't thought of it that way before. I was just thinking about the fact that I was feeling anxious and doing my best not to show it most days. I hadn't considered that, to someone else, my anxiety would be something they would experience as almost unbearable or crippling.
I got home, and I was still thinking about what my therapist said. After I processed it, and I thought about it a little bit more, I realized that describing me as a warrior for dealing with my OCD and the high level of anxiety that comes with OCD was pretty accurate. I do have a steely determination to get myself better, and I fight for it every single day. It's like fighting a battle against an invisible enemy that knows all your weaknesses and uses them against you.
I've felt tougher ever since I've been thinking about myself that way. My perception of my situation changed, and I haven't felt like a weakling anymore. I feel strong and tough, like a warrior. I like feeling strong and tough. That's actually why I work out, and why I wear a leather biker jacket. I also have purple in my hair because it makes me feel like a superhero, and superheroes are tough.
I think anyone that deals with any kind of mental health condition every day is a warrior. We're dealing with something scary, and some days it can be debilitating,. Yet we put on a brave face each day, and we do our best to be high functioning, productive members of society anyway. Most of the time we don't even let people see us struggling. We just do our best to be fine, and we manage to survive another day on our internal battlefield.
I'll end with this: Just because you have something like Bipolar Disorder, OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, PTSD, or Depression doesn't mean you're weaker than anyone else. It just means you're human, like everyone else. When you're struggling, remember that you're a warrior, and that you can make it another day, even if you have to take that day hour by hour.
Then my therapist looked at me, and she said, "You know, if you took the anxiety out of your brain and put it into someone else's brain, they wouldn't be able to deal with your level of anxiety. They just couldn't deal with it. So, I don't think you're weak. I think you're more like a warrior." I just had to sit there for a second and process that. I hadn't thought of it that way before. I was just thinking about the fact that I was feeling anxious and doing my best not to show it most days. I hadn't considered that, to someone else, my anxiety would be something they would experience as almost unbearable or crippling.
I got home, and I was still thinking about what my therapist said. After I processed it, and I thought about it a little bit more, I realized that describing me as a warrior for dealing with my OCD and the high level of anxiety that comes with OCD was pretty accurate. I do have a steely determination to get myself better, and I fight for it every single day. It's like fighting a battle against an invisible enemy that knows all your weaknesses and uses them against you.
I've felt tougher ever since I've been thinking about myself that way. My perception of my situation changed, and I haven't felt like a weakling anymore. I feel strong and tough, like a warrior. I like feeling strong and tough. That's actually why I work out, and why I wear a leather biker jacket. I also have purple in my hair because it makes me feel like a superhero, and superheroes are tough.
I think anyone that deals with any kind of mental health condition every day is a warrior. We're dealing with something scary, and some days it can be debilitating,. Yet we put on a brave face each day, and we do our best to be high functioning, productive members of society anyway. Most of the time we don't even let people see us struggling. We just do our best to be fine, and we manage to survive another day on our internal battlefield.
I'll end with this: Just because you have something like Bipolar Disorder, OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, PTSD, or Depression doesn't mean you're weaker than anyone else. It just means you're human, like everyone else. When you're struggling, remember that you're a warrior, and that you can make it another day, even if you have to take that day hour by hour.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Different Strokes for Different Folks
I mentioned that I switched from community mental health to a private therapist in previous posts. I have been seeing the private therapist since December, and I'm really noticing a difference in myself. I'm noticing that my anxiety is holding at low to moderate levels now instead of the extreme highs that I was dealing with before. I also notice that I'm feeling more like my pre-diagnosis and pre-symptom self, and that was something I had been missing for the past 5 months since I'd been in treatment. (Yes, I've had OCD for over 6 years now, but things didn't get too terrible until this summer. I haven't really felt like myself since that time.)
I'm noticing these changes now for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that I'm having therapy once a week now for an entire hour each session instead of 45 minutes every three weeks. (Again, that isn't the fault of the community mental health system. They were doing the best they could with the resources they have.) Now, I have time to deal with one issue at a time, as that issue comes up, instead of trying to cram as much as possible into the sessions, like we were doing in the community mental health agency. (As a result of cramming so much work into each session, my previous therapist had flooded me, too, which wasn't good.)
The other major difference that is responsible for my drastic improvement is the change in the way my current therapist is treating my mental health condition. Both my previous and my current therapist are Cognitive Behavioral therapists (CBT), (which means they use an approach that identifies the unhelpful or messed up thinking patterns and beliefs and change behavior to be more in line with the new more positive and helpful thoughts and beliefs). However, the techniques they use are extremely different.
My previous therapist tried to treat my OCD with Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP), which is a type of CBT that is the recommended treatment for OCD, even the nontraditional type of OCD that I have. However, my previous therapist didn't have a whole lot of experience with OCD, and she told me that before we started. (ERP raises anxiety levels, and then the anxiety is supposed to slowly decrease over time as you get used to the thoughts and challenge them with behavioral activities.) This wasn't happening with me, and more and more intrusive thoughts were coming, spanning all kinds of terrifying areas. The sort of approach my previous therapist used didn't work for me. I'm not sure why. They had also previously tried a medication, and it made my OCD worse even though it worked wonders for everyone else that I read about taking the medication for their Pure O.
My current therapist, also a Cognitive Behavioral therapist, uses a different approach to treat my OCD. So far, my current therapist seems to favor a more cognitive approach (which means she is focusing on changing my thought patterns and my faulty beliefs in regard to my OCD intrusive thoughts instead of stressing the ERP and behavioral changes). In other words, we're talking about my intrusive thoughts, my anxiety, and what I think and believe about all those things. I'm sure we'll get to some ERP activities, but we haven't so far in my treatment.
My current therapist has also pointed me in the direction of some extra resources: workbooks. On the second visit with my new therapist, she suggested that I order an OCD workbook to work through, and I ordered a workbook that actually takes the same cognitive-focused approach instead of an exposure-heavy approach. (The workbook is called Break Free from OCD: Overcoming OCD with CBT by Dr. Fiona Challacombe, Dr. Victoria Oldfield, and Professor Paul Salkovskis, and it comes from somewhere in the UK.) This workbook has helped me tremendously in the short time that I've been reading it and doing the suggested writing activities (making my own charts and things like it shows in the book). The workbook does have some exposure therapy activities that involve bringing on the distressing thoughts on purpose, but I haven't worked up the nerve to dive into those on my own yet. I'll get there, though.
I'm not saying that, objectively, one treatment is better than the other, and I'm not saying that a private therapist is better than a therapist at a community mental health agency. However, subjectively, I think the treatment I am receiving from a private therapist has been a better experience because I am responding better to the treatment used by a private therapist. Different things work for different people, and people respond differently to different treatments because everyone's brain works differently.
I'll end with this: Treatment for mental health conditions isn't a one size fits all sort of thing. People respond differently to different types of treatment because everyone's brain is different. Sometimes, you just have to try different therapeutic approaches and different therapists until you find one that works for you and your brain. The approach that works best may also include medication, and that's alright, too. Just, please, don't give up on treatment because the first few techniques or therapists you try aren't helpful.
I'm noticing these changes now for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that I'm having therapy once a week now for an entire hour each session instead of 45 minutes every three weeks. (Again, that isn't the fault of the community mental health system. They were doing the best they could with the resources they have.) Now, I have time to deal with one issue at a time, as that issue comes up, instead of trying to cram as much as possible into the sessions, like we were doing in the community mental health agency. (As a result of cramming so much work into each session, my previous therapist had flooded me, too, which wasn't good.)
The other major difference that is responsible for my drastic improvement is the change in the way my current therapist is treating my mental health condition. Both my previous and my current therapist are Cognitive Behavioral therapists (CBT), (which means they use an approach that identifies the unhelpful or messed up thinking patterns and beliefs and change behavior to be more in line with the new more positive and helpful thoughts and beliefs). However, the techniques they use are extremely different.
My previous therapist tried to treat my OCD with Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP), which is a type of CBT that is the recommended treatment for OCD, even the nontraditional type of OCD that I have. However, my previous therapist didn't have a whole lot of experience with OCD, and she told me that before we started. (ERP raises anxiety levels, and then the anxiety is supposed to slowly decrease over time as you get used to the thoughts and challenge them with behavioral activities.) This wasn't happening with me, and more and more intrusive thoughts were coming, spanning all kinds of terrifying areas. The sort of approach my previous therapist used didn't work for me. I'm not sure why. They had also previously tried a medication, and it made my OCD worse even though it worked wonders for everyone else that I read about taking the medication for their Pure O.
My current therapist, also a Cognitive Behavioral therapist, uses a different approach to treat my OCD. So far, my current therapist seems to favor a more cognitive approach (which means she is focusing on changing my thought patterns and my faulty beliefs in regard to my OCD intrusive thoughts instead of stressing the ERP and behavioral changes). In other words, we're talking about my intrusive thoughts, my anxiety, and what I think and believe about all those things. I'm sure we'll get to some ERP activities, but we haven't so far in my treatment.
My current therapist has also pointed me in the direction of some extra resources: workbooks. On the second visit with my new therapist, she suggested that I order an OCD workbook to work through, and I ordered a workbook that actually takes the same cognitive-focused approach instead of an exposure-heavy approach. (The workbook is called Break Free from OCD: Overcoming OCD with CBT by Dr. Fiona Challacombe, Dr. Victoria Oldfield, and Professor Paul Salkovskis, and it comes from somewhere in the UK.) This workbook has helped me tremendously in the short time that I've been reading it and doing the suggested writing activities (making my own charts and things like it shows in the book). The workbook does have some exposure therapy activities that involve bringing on the distressing thoughts on purpose, but I haven't worked up the nerve to dive into those on my own yet. I'll get there, though.
I'm not saying that, objectively, one treatment is better than the other, and I'm not saying that a private therapist is better than a therapist at a community mental health agency. However, subjectively, I think the treatment I am receiving from a private therapist has been a better experience because I am responding better to the treatment used by a private therapist. Different things work for different people, and people respond differently to different treatments because everyone's brain works differently.
I'll end with this: Treatment for mental health conditions isn't a one size fits all sort of thing. People respond differently to different types of treatment because everyone's brain is different. Sometimes, you just have to try different therapeutic approaches and different therapists until you find one that works for you and your brain. The approach that works best may also include medication, and that's alright, too. Just, please, don't give up on treatment because the first few techniques or therapists you try aren't helpful.
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