Just Stop Doing That

     Just stop doing that. Just don't think like that. You don't have to do that.  All those statements sound so simple and so easy to comply with. Of course, it's so simple to just stop doing an action or a task if you don't like that action or task or if it makes you feel ashamed or if it doesn't make any sense. I even say these things to myself when I realize I've done a compulsion, and I get frustrated with myself. It's easy to just stop doing a thing...unless you have OCD and the action or task is a compulsion.
     Something happened with me earlier this week that had become a rare occurrence. I was already having more trouble than usual with my intrusive thoughts, but I was dealing with that. I wasn't doing any of the thought neutralizing in my mind or behaviorally. I was just sitting with them, which is something I have grown used to since I've been in treatment. I have cut way done on the mental rituals to neutralize my thoughts, and that's been going well. Then my cat spilled nearly a whole cup of coffee on my bed by jumping up on my table, and I almost said a "bad" word, a particular curse word, and a word that frequently clangs around in my mind as an intrusive thought, which is something that hadn't really happened before.
     Cue the fear. I was terrified that some divine punishment was about to fall upon my head. I was afraid I was going to fall over dead and be sent straight to Hell. I was afraid our house would burn to the ground. I was afraid my mom was going to die in some accident as punishment because I love my mom. I was afraid something was going to happen to my cat because I love her. All because I almost said a certain curse word that was then repeatedly flitting through my mind as an intrusive thought.
     So, what did I do? I prayed about it, but not just the one time. I had to pray more because what if God was so angry with me for that one slip up that God wasn't listening to my prayers? What if God didn't think I was sorry enough because I didn't pray for forgiveness enough? I had to pray for forgiveness every single time I thought of the bad thing I had almost said. In other words, I had to do a compulsion to neutralize the fear caused by my actions and intrusive thoughts.
      I knew my thoughts and repeatedly praying for forgiveness didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I still couldn't stop until I got a grip on reality and realized it was OCD. I logically knew that after praying the first time and meaning that prayer in which I apologized, that I had been forgiven because that was what I learned from religious teaching, but I felt like I couldn't risk the certainty of being forgiven so I had to make sure God knew I was sorry by praying more. The OCD part of my brain had to be certain that I was forgiven to keep everyone, including myself, safe.
     After the third time I prayed for forgiveness in the first hour or so, it clicked in my mind that I was doing a compulsion and that the fears I had were OCD-related. So, after the third time I prayed, I said I wouldn't pray about that one instance anymore. But, it was hard. I was still afraid that something terrible would happen. So, I sat with that fear. I didn't medicate with my L-theanine or my Ativan. I sat, and I broke out in cold sweats. I felt sick. I wanted to cry. I felt like I might panic. It took all of my willpower not to pray and pray and pray about the one thing or to ask my friends or my mom for help (reassurances).
     I sat like that for around five or six hours. It was torture. I was sure bad things were going to happen, and those bad things were going to be my fault. Then I talked to my therapist in my weekly appointment, but by that time my anxiety had dissipated enough to be at my usual levels because I had spent so much time just sitting with it and habituating myself to it.
     So, why can't people with OCD stop doing compulsions, even though the compulsions don't make sense or cause feelings of guilt and shame? Because the stakes are too high and the fear is too great. The fear tells us that we are a bad person for not doing anything we can to protect our loved ones because we just know something will happen to them because of us. I felt like my own soul and the lives of my mom and my cat were at stake, and it was my responsibility to protect those loved ones with nearly constant prayers for forgiveness so God would know I was truly sorry and wouldn't hurt someone because I made a mistake.
     I'll end with this: People with OCD can't just stop doing compulsions. OCD can out-logic every logical argument your brain makes just to keep you doing the compulsions. The dangers that we need to do the compulsions to protect people (including us) from feel terrifyingly real. If you love someone with OCD, keep those things in mind instead of commanding that they stop without help. Stopping a compulsion can be terrifying, and it takes a lot of work that anyone that isn't a therapist or an OCD-sufferer might not understand. And yes, slip ups in which they still do compulsions are going to happen, even as they're working with a therapist to get well.

More Than Treating Symptoms

     Sometime, I go to my weekly therapy session, and we don't talk about my OCD or do any exposure exercises. Sometimes we talk about my writing and how stressful it can be for me. Sometimes we talk about my relationships with family or friends. Basically, in therapy we talk about life in general instead of only the one piece of my life that is OCD.
     I always feel a little guilty when therapy talk drifts away from my OCD. I feel guilty because any time spent in my session on my part, talking about something that isn't related to the mental health condition with which I was diagnosed feels like I'm wasting my therapist's valuable time. To me, it seemed the same as going to my primary care physician for a cold, but then telling them all about a sprained ankle instead of telling them the actual problem for which I made the appointment in the first place.
     I told my therapist about that idea this week in my session, and she said something like, "You know, therapy is about coping in general." What she meant by that was that therapy isn't just about treating the symptoms of a mental health condition. It's about learning coping skills that can make life a little easier to deal with as well as treating the mental health condition. That statement makes sense now that I've heard it spoken out loud.
     Stress can  make the symptoms of mental health conditions worse, so of course you have to learn coping skills for life's stress to improve life with your mental health condition. She also made a point to tell me that I wasn't wasting time. Therapy is also a place to process traumatic events like the death of a beloved pet or family member, or any other traumatic life event. She has even asked about the book I'm writing, which was definitely a more pleasant topic of conversation.
     I guess I still had an expectation for the way I thought therapy would be. I thought the only thing that I should talk about was the mental health condition that I had been diagnosed with. I thought my everyday life and struggles outside of what was impacted by my OCD weren't on the table for discussion. The truth is that everything about your life is on the table for discussion when you walk into a counseling session, even the fact that you might have made a spur of the moment change to your hair.
     I'll end with this: Therapy isn't just about dealing with the symptoms of a mental health condition. Therapy is also about  learning to cope and to process things so that after therapy we can maintain our wellness. Just because you aren't talking about your symptoms every single time you sit in the chair doesn't mean that you aren't working on getting well or that you're wasting time. Sometimes, therapy needs to be a place to process life in general, and that's okay.