Like Him

Full Disclosure: I struggled with the decision to write about this topic. This is probably the most personal blog post about my life that I will ever write. Trigger warning: This blog post contains details related to domestic violence.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in previous blog posts that my mom also lives with a clinically diagnosed anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure that I've also mentioned that she does a great job at managing and living with her anxiety disorder. What I haven't mentioned before is that my other parent lived with bipolar disorder for which he refused to follow through on any kind of treatment plan. In addition to the untreated bipolar disorder, he also had pretty extreme issues with power and control that made him an abusive person. The fact that he self-medicated for the bipolar disorder with alcohol only exacerbated the power and control issues and worsened his bipolar-related impulse control issues. 

Growing up with my father in the house for the short time before the end of the relationship, I mostly remember fear. I remember his anger, the yelling, and the times when he would become violent. I remember other times, too, when he was downright cruel in very calculated ways that had nothing to do with impulsive, violent outbursts. I remember the multiple suicide attempts when my mother would try to get him to leave to end the abuse. I also remember the multiple times he had to go into in-patient treatment to get his medications and the rest of his treatment plan sorted out, but then he'd always go back to the same hurtful pattern as soon as he was released. 

His family and sometimes mine would make excuses for his behavior. He had bipolar disorder, and they blamed the anger issues and even the abuse on the bipolar disorder. For some reason, nobody ever really pointed out that it was his responsibility to treat and manage the combination of his bipolar disorder, his power and control issues, and his drinking in order to not be the abusive person that he was. 

As you can imagine, with the way people linked his violent behavior with his mental illness, I also made that same link in my young brain, and it stuck there for years. In medical appointments, I often heard doctors talk about my genetic predisposition for mental illness (which doctors made seem like an inevitable thing) because of my father's bipolar disorder. As a result of that kind of input, I was terrified of developing any mental illness, because in my mind, mental illness could make me more like the man that had caused so much fear and hurt in my family.

I spent a lot of time as a teen monitoring myself to make sure I wasn't LIKE HIM. I monitored my anger very closely. I monitored myself for signs of depression. When the intrusive thoughts made their appearance, one of my thoughts besides thinking I was possessed was, "Is this going to make me LIKE HIM?" This fear of being LIKE HIM may have played a small part in why I refused to acknowledge the fact that something was wrong and I why I didn't seek treatment. It definitely played a part in my earlier refusal to accept my mental illness as a thing with which I could co-exist peacefully.

The thing that I didn't realize until much later than I should have was that I was never going to be like him, even if I developed a mental illness, even if I developed the same mental illness. Although his mental illness was often used as an excuse, it wasn't what truly made him the person that hurt our family. (Because, as we all know, living with bipolar disorder doesn't just make someone uncontrollably violent.) His choices made him that person. He actively made the choice to continually behave in ways that were violent, abusive, and cruel. He actively made the choice not to go to therapy and not to take his prescribed mood stabilizing medications. He actively made the choice to self-medicate with alcohol even though he knew it wasn't healthy. Since he actively chose to be the way he was, I realized that I could actively choose to be different from him, even with a mental illness. I was already actively choosing not to be like him before the mental illness became an issue, and I could continue making choices that were different from him as I learned to live with my mental illness.

I'll end with this: Having an abusive, mentally ill parent, especially when we actually hear people linking the abuse with the mental illness, can make us afraid of confronting, dealing with, and accepting a genetic predisposition to develop a mental illness because we may worry about becoming LIKE THEM with mental illness. But...just because we're genetically predisposed to develop mental illness because of genes we share with a terrible person doesn't mean that we will become a carbon copy of that terrible person if or when that mental illness appears. Our mental illness, even if we developed it because of the genetic bits we share with an abusive parent, will not be the dreaded, terrible, terrifying thing that makes us LIKE THEM. It's the choices that we make, whether we make the same harmful choices they made or whether we actively choose to make different choices, that make us LIKE THEM. 

Poor Mental Health vs. Mental Illness

Sometimes, I see and hear people use mental health and mental illness interchangeably. I especially see it when people equate poor mental health with mental illness. I can see why a lot of people often think poor mental health and mental illness are the same thing based on the broad definitions we find online, but poor mental health is not the same as mental illness. 

According to the CDC, mental health is simply defined as "our emotional, psychological, and social well-being." Everyone has mental health that varies from great to poor from time to time, just like everyone has physical health that varies in the same ways from time to time. Also, just like with physical health we need to do certain things to make sure we're doing everything we can to maintain good mental health like getting adequate sleep, taking time to rest and de-stress, getting appropriate exercise, having meaningful social interaction and connection, making sure we have time for fun in our lives, and making sure we have healthy coping strategies for the ups and downs that come with life. 

Just like everyone experiences periods of poor physical health, everyone will also likely experience periods of poor mental health. Too much stress can contribute to poor mental health. Not enough time to rest and relax can contribute to poor mental health. Spending too much time or not enough time having meaningful interactions with other humans, depending on whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, can contribute to poor mental health. Being in a career or working at a job that doesn't give you enjoyment and fulfillment can contribute to poor mental health. Not having adequate coping skills to deal with things like the death of a loved one, a relationship breakup, prolonged conflict and stress within a family unit, having to live or behave in a way that feels contrary to who we are, or any other negative life experience can contribute to poor mental health. Basically, any prolonged period in life in which your social, emotional, and psychological needs aren't being met can lead to poor mental health, just like not meeting your body's physical needs leads to poor physical health.

When someone has poor mental health that does not mean that they have a mental illness. Poor mental health is not always a clinical condition, unless a person has a stress-related or exhaustion-related breakdown of some kind that requires hospitalization. (Although, seeing a therapist to help sort out the things related to your poor mental health is GREAT. Grief counseling...stress management...family therapy...all are good options to help you find ways to meet your specific needs.) Poor mental health can be improved by regularly checking in with yourself to make sure you're doing everything you can to meet your body's needs as well as your social, emotional, and psychological needs. Sometimes, to "cure" a period of poor mental health you may only need to slightly adjust the pieces of your life so that you're able to put more energy into different pieces.

Mental illness is a different thing altogether from poor mental health. Mental health is a fluid state of being. A mental illness is a clinically diagnosed condition that has a specific set of symptoms that severely and negatively affect a person's life. Mental illness, unlike poor mental health, can't be "fixed" or cured. It can only be treated and managed, most often with a combination of therapy and medication. Living with mental illness isn't just about making sure you're meeting your social, emotional, and psychological needs; it's about actually correcting issues with how your brain works, like issues related to the chemicals that the brain produces, reactions in certain areas of the brain, and actual pathways that have formed in the brain.

The causes of poor mental health and mental illness are also different. Poor mental health can often be caused by major life events, things in a person's environment, and/or the way they're living their life at the time their mental health becomes poor. Mental illness, on the other hand, has an internal cause related to how the brain actually functions and may have a genetic component that predisposes a person to develop a certain mental illness. A person with a mental illness may not have even had poor mental health prior to the onset of the symptoms of their mental illness. 

I'll end with this: Mental health is a state of being, like physical health, that can and does change from time to time depending on how well our needs are being met and how well we're coping with our life experiences. Mental illness is a clinically diagnosed condition that has a specific set of symptoms that severely and negatively affect a person's life and is usually treated in a specific way with therapy and medication. Being in a state of poor mental health and having a mental illness are not the same thing. A state of being can be changed and remedied, but a mental illness can only be treated and managed for the rest of someone's life.