Milking It

     I was experiencing such a high level of anxiety recently, and as a result of the high anxiety I was crying and having trouble stringing words together to make sentences because I couldn't think. While I was dealing with that high anxiety, I said, "You know I'm not doing this on purpose, right?" In the middle of my anxiety, I felt like I had to make sure the other person knew I wasn't faking my symptoms or using my diagnosis to get out of doing something or to get my way or as an excuse to behave a certain way. I find myself explaining that I'm not faking my symptoms or using my diagnosis as an excuse a lot because I know that's what people might think. I also find myself explaining that just because I get anxious about doing something doesn't mean that I don't want to do it because that also seems to be what people think, which then also leads to wondering if I could be using my anxiety as an excuse and/or faking the symptoms because I secretly don't want to do whatever we're doing.
     I know that some people have no problem faking symptoms or using a mental health condition as an excuse for a behavior or an excuse to get out of doing something. Honestly, those people make me angry. I read a personal essay circulating online about a person dealing with Pure O, like me. The writer expressly stated that they used their Pure O to get out of watching movies that they didn't want to watch. I know someone that uses a mental health condition as an excuse to unapologetically be a jerk to his girlfriend.
     Mental health conditions aren't like a note from your parents that you can use to get out of PE just because you don't feel like running laps that day. Mental health conditions also aren't a sick day home from school that you can milk for all it's worth. Mental health conditions also aren't a blanket explanation for unpleasant behavior. When people treat mental health conditions like that, it sort of seems like they're just laughing at the tremendous effort it takes for someone else to manage the symptoms of the same mental health condition to appear as "normal" as possible to everyone else around them. Also, as an added bonus result of people using their mental health condition as an excuse: others (even me) are afraid to even admit they experience symptoms at the "wrong time", like in a movie theater, because friends and even family might not believe that they are actually experiencing symptoms and not just making an excuse. Oh, hello mental health stigma, my constant foe. (If you don't want to do something, just say so. You don't have to make excuses, especially not excuses that hurt other people.)
     The symptoms of a mental health condition do tend to show up at the times when we least want them. I don't want to be anxious and worry about possibly having another panic attack in the movie theater every time I go, but I catch myself worrying anyway. Just because my anxiety shows up at the movies doesn't mean that I don't want to go to the movies. So, I feel like, in order to make sure no one thinks I'm milking the symptoms of Panic Disorder, I have to pretend I'm fine, even if I don't feel fine. (It's actually the worrying about experiencing the symptoms of the Panic Disorder or OCD at the worst time that can make them show up at the worst time because I'm already thinking about the symptoms so they have a way in. I know this, but I still worry about them sometimes anyway.)
     I'll end with this: It's never okay to use a mental health condition as an excuse or to fake your symptoms to get your way or to get out of something. By doing that you're just contributing to the already-stifling amount of mental health stigma that makes people afraid to get help. It's totally okay to take breaks from things and to leave situations that are not good for your mental health. It's also okay to express when you experience symptoms, even in public, and to talk about what might have triggered the symptoms.

We All Have Our Moments

     If you live life with a mental health condition, then you probably know that other people, sometimes, don't handle your mental health condition very well. Sure, we already know that life with a mental health condition can be exhausting, confusing, frustrating, and too much altogether. Of course, the people that love us and deal with our mental health condition alongside us are also going to feel that same exhaustion, confusion, frustration, and overwhelming sensation of too much sometimes, too. We all have our rough days that are hard to get through.
     Here's the thing, though, at least for me: If I'm already having a rough time, I'm already feeling bad because I'm having a rough time. I feel like a crazy person, and I'm probably already blaming myself for feeling like a crazy person because I know I'm being irrational, yet, I can't seem to make my anxious brain slow its roll so I can try to feel more in control of myself. Then, if someone doesn't deal with my rough day with my mental health condition with compassion, or even if they just genuinely don't get it, I feel even worse, like it's my fault they behaved in whatever way was unkind. I feel like I've just let my mental health condition get in the way, and of course, the person has a right to behave in that way because I did a wrong thing somehow while I was trying to deal with my mental health condition. Then I just want to cry about it and go into shut down mode to avoid making someone else even more frustrated or overwhelmed or confused. In other words, I internalize their negative reaction, and that's a bad thing.
     Here's the thing for the other person: If someone reacts to your mental health struggle or rough day without compassion, or if they are unkind in some way, that more than likely has nothing to do with you and your mental health condition. Their negative reaction more than likely has something to do with an unrelated issue that they're dealing with like extra stress at work or in a relationship or just a bad day. The other person may not even realize that they behaved in a way that you felt was unkind because they were so wrapped up in their own issue to the point that everything else was just background noise.
     It's okay, when you feel that someone hasn't been kind or compassionate when you're struggling, to feel hurt and to cry it out if you need to cry it out. It's not a good idea to shut down and shut them out because you really need all the members of your support system. You need to communicate with them. How is an issue supposed to be fixed if we don't talk it out? It's unhealthy to stay silent on an issue so that every time the issue comes up, it just adds another weight to the issue pile until it tumbles over in an argument or you lash out. It's not okay to be unkind to someone just because they may have been unkind to you.
     Try to be understanding of the person. Look at their life at the moment and see if you can recognize that other things might be causing their frustration and stress. Then talk it out. Tell them that you see other things are going on, and tell them the way you have been feeling about something they may have said or done when you were having a rough time. It's okay to point out when someone does something that isn't helpful as long as it isn't in a blaming or accusing way. (Think: "I feel...when you say/do..." to come across in a way that is easy to listen to.)
     I'll end with this: People aren't always going to be good at dealing with a loved one's mental health condition. People get exhausted, confused, stressed, frustrated, and overwhelmed because they're human, and sometimes they don't behave with the compassion that other people need. Even the people that we love and that love us may have a rough day in which they don't deal with us and our mental health condition in the best way, but that doesn't mean they love us less or think we're a burden. Their negative reaction had more to do with them than us, so don't internalize their reaction. Talk to them about what you need from them, about what they do that is helpful and what is unhelpful, and express when they may have hurt your feelings in a kind and non-blaming way.