Milking It

     I was experiencing such a high level of anxiety recently, and as a result of the high anxiety I was crying and having trouble stringing words together to make sentences because I couldn't think. While I was dealing with that high anxiety, I said, "You know I'm not doing this on purpose, right?" In the middle of my anxiety, I felt like I had to make sure the other person knew I wasn't faking my symptoms or using my diagnosis to get out of doing something or to get my way or as an excuse to behave a certain way. I find myself explaining that I'm not faking my symptoms or using my diagnosis as an excuse a lot because I know that's what people might think. I also find myself explaining that just because I get anxious about doing something doesn't mean that I don't want to do it because that also seems to be what people think, which then also leads to wondering if I could be using my anxiety as an excuse and/or faking the symptoms because I secretly don't want to do whatever we're doing.
     I know that some people have no problem faking symptoms or using a mental health condition as an excuse for a behavior or an excuse to get out of doing something. Honestly, those people make me angry. I read a personal essay circulating online about a person dealing with Pure O, like me. The writer expressly stated that they used their Pure O to get out of watching movies that they didn't want to watch. I know someone that uses a mental health condition as an excuse to unapologetically be a jerk to his girlfriend.
     Mental health conditions aren't like a note from your parents that you can use to get out of PE just because you don't feel like running laps that day. Mental health conditions also aren't a sick day home from school that you can milk for all it's worth. Mental health conditions also aren't a blanket explanation for unpleasant behavior. When people treat mental health conditions like that, it sort of seems like they're just laughing at the tremendous effort it takes for someone else to manage the symptoms of the same mental health condition to appear as "normal" as possible to everyone else around them. Also, as an added bonus result of people using their mental health condition as an excuse: others (even me) are afraid to even admit they experience symptoms at the "wrong time", like in a movie theater, because friends and even family might not believe that they are actually experiencing symptoms and not just making an excuse. Oh, hello mental health stigma, my constant foe. (If you don't want to do something, just say so. You don't have to make excuses, especially not excuses that hurt other people.)
     The symptoms of a mental health condition do tend to show up at the times when we least want them. I don't want to be anxious and worry about possibly having another panic attack in the movie theater every time I go, but I catch myself worrying anyway. Just because my anxiety shows up at the movies doesn't mean that I don't want to go to the movies. So, I feel like, in order to make sure no one thinks I'm milking the symptoms of Panic Disorder, I have to pretend I'm fine, even if I don't feel fine. (It's actually the worrying about experiencing the symptoms of the Panic Disorder or OCD at the worst time that can make them show up at the worst time because I'm already thinking about the symptoms so they have a way in. I know this, but I still worry about them sometimes anyway.)
     I'll end with this: It's never okay to use a mental health condition as an excuse or to fake your symptoms to get your way or to get out of something. By doing that you're just contributing to the already-stifling amount of mental health stigma that makes people afraid to get help. It's totally okay to take breaks from things and to leave situations that are not good for your mental health. It's also okay to express when you experience symptoms, even in public, and to talk about what might have triggered the symptoms.