We Don't Talk About That

     This past week, I spent some time with some old family friends that are more like family than friends. We discuss a whole range of topics. Mental health is one of those topics that tends to come up as some of the people in that group (aside from me) also struggle with anxiety and other mental health conditions. We're not shy about exchanging stories, therapist information, or medication/natural remedies that we have found to be helpful.
     This time was a little different. Someone in the group had gotten married in the not-so-distant past, and their husband (whom I had only met a couple of times before this) was part of the group this time. As the topic of mental health came up and we were discussing anxiety issues (mine and one of the teen's anxiety struggles) the husband said in a perturbed tone to his wife, "We don't talk about this." This man acted like the family's struggle with mental health was the elephant in the room everyone pretends doesn't exist over an awkward Thanksgiving dinner. (His wife waved that off, explained that we were family, and the conversation continued.)
     This new person acted like mental health was an embarrassing topic, that you hide from other people, like mental health struggles are a dirty little secret. Mental health isn't an embarrassing, dirty little secret. Mental health is simply a health issue that requires treatment just like any physical illness. I'm never embarrassed to talk about my struggle with OCD and Panic Disorder. Why should I be, especially if talking about it could possibly help even one person?
     Here is my other problem with what this new person said: if they aren't talking about the mental health struggle that affects this whole family, how do they expect anything to get better? Mental health conditions might only be diagnosed in one person in a family unit, but that diagnosis impacts the entire family unit. Everyone in that family unit should talk about it and make changes as needed to achieve and maintain wellness for the whole family. When one person in a family struggles with a mental health condition, the whole family tends to feel just as helpless and lost as the person with the actual diagnosis sometimes.
     Here is another problem: how does that attitude that mental health struggles are a family's dirty little secret make the person with the mental health condition feel? My guess is that it made that person not feel good. Did that attitude make the person feel embarrassed of their mental health? It could have. Did that attitude make the person feel like something is wrong with them, like they should be ashamed? It could have.
     Even though the mother still wanted to have a discussion on the topic of mental health, she explained some time later that the teen in question didn't really like to talk about it with people. (The teen was mostly absent during the conversation.) That I understand because some people are just very private people, but I still don't think the new husband should have seemed embarrassed or perturbed by. He could have said, "Well, (insert name) doesn't really like to talk about it," instead of acting embarrassed or irritated by the topic. So, I was left to wonder if the teen not talking about it had more to do with her step-parent's attitude or her own wishes.
     Either way, I still feel bothered by the "we don't talk about that" attitude surrounding mental health. Mental health is something that we all NEED to talk about, especially within our own families. Families should be a safe place to openly discuss if something isn't quite right or if you're having a bad mental health day, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Healing isn't going to take place until acceptance and kindness take place.
     I'll end with this: Mental health conditions aren't a family's embarrassing, dirty little secret. Mental health conditions are just that, health conditions, like any physical illness that the person didn't ask for. Making them feel embarrassed and ashamed for talking about their mental health condition is unkind, and honestly, it can prevent them from seeking help and/or taking medications that they may need to function at a high level. That said, it's totally fine to set boundaries for who with and when you want to talk about your mental health as long as you aren't doing it out of embarrassment or shame.