Memory Lane

     Since I've been attending therapy sessions once a week, I've had some times when the volume has been turned way down on my intrusive thoughts. The quiet in my mind and the lack of anxiety caused by my intrusive thoughts is a relief...until I check in with myself and realize that I don't feel anxious. Then the free floating anxiety sets in.
     The free floating anxiety is actually more bothersome at this point than the anxiety caused by my intrusive thoughts. I know what to do to help manage my anxiety specific to my intrusive thoughts, but I have no idea how to manage anxiety that just hangs out in my mind that isn't attached to any specific thought. So, I just have to sit with that anxiety, which is something that I'm not exactly good at. At the first sign of free floating anxiety, my mind starts trying to solve the puzzle. The thoughts starting spinning around like a dog chasing its tail. Why do I feel anxious? What's going on? Why is this feeling still there? Why? Why? WHY?
     All the introspective questions and the digging just cause another problem. When I can't find an external trigger for my anxiety, my brain looks for an internal trigger. When it doesn't find any thoughts to deal with, it decides to take a trip down memory lane. On the trip down memory lane, all sorts of memories get brought to the surface of my mind, and none of them are pleasant. All of the memories are usually things that I would much rather forget, like some mistake I made sixteen years ago or some other guilt-inducing thing that I forget that I even did or said. These unpleasant trips down memory lane have been a nonstop cycle for the past few weeks now. Anything that can make me feel like a bad person gets dug up and shoved right to the front of my mind. Then I cry about it.
     I've read some other blogs and things like that, and apparently unpleasant trips down memory lane are a pretty common thing when you live with an anxiety disorder. The information I found said that the memories get brought up because our brains were used to such high levels of anxiety that it would do whatever to keep up the usual levels of anxiety (basically replacement anxiety all over again.) Will I never escape replacement anxiety?!
     The key to supposedly being able to let this go: acceptance and forgiveness. Accept that you made a mistake in the past because you're human, and you can't go back and change the past. Then, forgive yourself just like you'd forgive someone else if they made the same mistake. We're all human, and we all make mistakes. (My therapist likes to point this out to me regularly.) When a memory pops up and increases my anxiety, I try to just say, "Yeah, but I'm a different person now. I can try to not make that mistake again."
     I'll end with this: Memory lane isn't really the place any of us want to be when we're dealing with an anxiety disorder and replacement anxiety because our brains will latch on to anything to keep up the usual levels of anxiety. Remember, these sudden trips down memory lane that cause you anxiety aren't your fault, and the anxiety doesn't mean you're a bad person. We all should go a little easier on ourselves and realize that we're human. We just have to accept that we made a mistake (like every human makes mistakes), and then we have to try to forgive ourselves.