Roller Coaster

     Since I have been forced to deal with my anxiety for the past year, I have realized something. I have realized that living with anxiety isn't just about managing the anxiety symptoms day-to-day; it's also about managing the roller coaster of emotions and mood swings that come with living with anxiety.  I have even noticed (thanks to my mom for pointing it out and making me keep up with it) that my anxiety-induced emotional roller coaster tends to go in a specific pattern.
     My pattern is always the same as far as I have noticed. I get the really high anxiety for a few days or weeks, depending on a number of factors. Then, after the anxiety starts to drop, I get super emotional. I just want to cry, about anything and everything or for seemingly no reason at all, and that lasts for a day or two. Then, after the crying comes the low period. I just feel "blah" and mildly unhappy and exhausted. I just want to curl up and watch TV all day. The low only lasts for a few days or a week, like the really high anxiety, and then I go back to feeling more like myself. (I can go for weeks or even a month now, or this last time a couple of months, without high anxiety, and then the emotional roller coaster doesn't happen. I can feel like myself all the time.)
     Becoming depressed and suicidal is actually one of my Pure O obsessive worries, so you can imagine how much I freaked out when I realized that these low periods were becoming a regular part of my life with anxiety. Then the freak out just caused me more anxiety that would start the whole, overwhelming roller coaster ride all over again. I worried for a long time that I might have Bipolar Disorder because of the ups and downs I experience on a regular basis now. (My therapists both assured me that I don't have Bipolar Disorder, so I haven't been misdiagnosed a second time.)
     In other words, my anxiety can make me feel like I'm all over the place emotionally, and I didn't understand that or know what to do with it. All I knew was that it freaked me out and made me feel out of control. My therapist calls it something like my pattern of getting well (I think). Now that I know that this is a pattern I will likely always live with as long as I live with anxiety, I just ride the roller coaster and hope it doesn't take a long time before I can get off of it and back to myself.
     I can't really change the pattern or force myself not to have any low periods. So, I just cry when I need to cry. When that goes away I treat myself like I would treat someone else who was feeling low. I Pinterest and I watch my favorite movies. I rest. I also hang on to the fact that I know I will eventually feel better if I give myself the time I need to get there. (I also try not to give in to my obsessive worry that I'm getting depressed and I won't recover, but that is a little bit difficult.) It's apparently a pretty common thing for anxiety to directly cause mood swings or to cause so much distress that it indirectly causes mood swings, much like any other stress can make some people moody.
     I'll end with this: Living with anxiety is more than just managing anxiety symptoms day-to-day. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwillingly strapped into an emotional roller coaster. It's okay to cry and be exhausted. You can't force your emotions to always be under your control. Sometimes you just have to ride it out, and that's okay. Feeling like you're riding an emotional roller coaster when you live with anxiety doesn't mean you require a new clinical diagnosis, but if you feel like something else is to blame you should definitely talk to a therapist/your doctor. You won't always feel all over the place.