Expectations

     We've probably all been in that place in our lives when we, for whatever reason, didn't live up to someone's expectations of who we were or what we should be doing with our lives. Maybe we didn't live up to our parents' expectation and become a doctor or teacher. Maybe you didn't live up to your own expectations when you changed jobs to forge a new career path to protect your happiness and your sanity. And you maybe didn't live up to so-and-so's expectations as they interrogated you over Thanksgiving dinner about your life choices (like why you might have dropped down to part time in college to be able to better manage your mental health condition or why you do/don't take medication for the aforementioned mental health condition).
     I know I've been in plenty of situations like that. In some way, I didn't live up to someone's expectations. Many, many times I didn't live up to my own expectations. I have a habit of not doing what is expected of me, apparently. Sometimes it's intentional (like deciding in the second semester of my senior year of college to try to build a freelance career and write fiction for a living instead of going to grad school or law school). Other times, I didn't live up to expectations because of things outside of my control (like the sudden derailing of my life for a year or so because of my mental health).
     People that are older and "wiser" than me comment on my life choices sometimes. Family members and some family friends had expectations that I missed along the path of honoring who I am, and those people tend to scoff or be disappointed because I took my life in a less conventional direction. Sometimes knowing that I disappointed someone, or seeing someone scoff at something I've been working so hard on because they may not understand just how hard I've been working, can really make me second guess myself. I'll catch myself asking, "Is this really who I am? Is this really who I want to be? Am I really happy with this life that I am creating?" The fact that they saw something or someone different can shake me up a bit because I start to wonder if I'm really living up to my full potential. Other times, my reaction is something like, "How dare you scoff and be disappointed just because I'm not the person you expected me to be. I am who I am, and I have worked hard to become this (mostly) happy person that I actually like (most days, anyway)."
     Here's the thing that I always need to remember, and it's something that my therapist regularly talks about with me: I do not have to live up to anyone else's expectations. I have to honor who I am, and I have to make the choices that will keep me on the path to being a happy, healthy, and well-adjusted human. So what if someone else doesn't understand the choices that keep me happy and healthy. Other people's disappointment has nothing to do with me, really. Their expectations were a projection of their idea of me, and it isn't my fault that their ideas don't match who I am. It wouldn't matter if I had a mental health condition or a healthy brain, I still don't have to feel bad for not living up to someone else's expectations.
     I'll end with this: You are under no obligation to live up to other people's expectations. You only have to live the life that makes you happy and keeps you healthy. If you want to change majors, career paths, or anything else about your life to protect your mental health and honor who you are, then do it. Don't let the weight of everyone else's ideas of what your best life should look like keep you trapped in a box that you didn't even ask to be put into.