Pushing the Limit

    It's hard for any of us to admit that we have any kind of limitation on what we are able to do or to mentally carry, but it seems to be particularly hard when that limitation is related to a mental health condition. Sometimes, the knee-jerk reaction to this "invisible" limitation can be to try to push the limits of what we can do or carry, just to prove to our mental illness that it doesn't have the control. From a different perspective, it can also be SO tempting to push our limits after we've been in therapy for a little bit and we've healed to the point that some things that may have been triggers for symptoms of our mental illness seem less triggering than before. I know, we get excited and think, "X happened, and even though I expected to get anxious/depressed/triggered, I didn't/it wasn't as bad as I expected! So, just how far can I actually push this limit now? Let's find out!" 

    I recently found myself in this situation. In my last appointment, my therapist gave me the option to have another session in five weeks instead of our usual two weeks. She also gave me the option to have the usual bi-weekly appointment in a different time slot. I was feeling brave, so I took the option to have an appointment in five weeks to see if I could push my limit. This would also probably be a good time to mention that the holidays are typically a more anxious time for me, but I was doing so well and feeling so brave, that I decided to push my limit a little bit.

    I also decided during this time that I could go ahead give going to church another try, despite already feeling anxiety about the holidays and a little bit anxious about the longer time between my appointments. I went one week, and I made it to late afternoon before all the issues I mentioned in my last church-related blog post crept back in. This time, instead of taking weeks to recover, it took days, and I felt mostly back to normal. The shortened recovery time made me feel like I had improved slightly, and so I decided to push a little more. So, I went back a second time, hoping I would be fine. By the next day after the second trip, I was a crying, anxious mess, and I had started not to like myself again just like I did before. (It's been a couple of weeks since that last trip, and I'm still anxious and riddled with guilt. I'm slowly improving, but it's been rough.)

    So, not only was I dealing with the usual holiday and pandemic anxiety, I was then also dealing with my religiously-based OCD ramped up to full power like it hadn't been in years...and I had put my therapy appointment out for five weeks instead of two. I had pushed my limit too far in too many directions at once in my eagerness to see just how far I could push it because I noticed some slight improvement. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but looking back, I can see my mistake. I tried to carry too many things at once without taking the time and care I should have to make sure I processed all the things.

    I'm not saying to be overly cautious and to never try pushing your limits. All I'm saying is, push your limits SAFELY because pushing your limits too far too quickly can have unpleasant consequences. Talk to your therapist about whatever limit it is that you want to push. Then, only push one thing at a time. If the first little push goes well, and you're still in a good place with your mental illness, after you discuss it again with your therapist, then you could push back on another limit your mental illness has given you. 

    I'll end with this: I know, when we notice improvements in ourselves in relation to our mental illness, especially after we've pushed back on one of our limits, it's so tempting to keep pushing the limits. We feel better and brave, and we get eager to see just how far we can push our mental health limits. This can lead us to push too many limits too far too quickly, which can land us in a spiral. Always remember, to maintain that mental wellness that has made you feel better and brave, you have to be careful with yourself. Push your limits, one at a time, slowly, with the OK and the help from your therapist. Taking your life back from your mental illness isn't a race, it's a slow and steady journey.