I Don't Have the Mental Space for This

Recently, I've had some extra things going on in my life in addition to work, the continued pandemic, and generally living with and managing my mental illness. As a result of those extra things, I've found myself blatantly refusing to take on more things. As an example, recently in a work-related situation, I had to tell someone, "I just can't do this for you. I don't have the mental space to be able to do this right now." I'm also feeling less social most days because I lack the mental space and energy to engage with more people than I'm required to for work. (And, yes, I feel guilty for having to tell people that I don't have the mental space to do what they're used to or what they want me to do even though my therapist is reminding me to make sure I'm being extra kind and compassionate with myself right now.)

A lot of the time, when we have to tell a loved one or anyone else, "I'm sorry, I just don't have the mental space for this right now," the other person feels stung. This is never our intention, but I get it. When we say we don't have the mental space for something it can feel like we're saying, "I don't feel like dealing with you right now." Or, "You're exhausting." Or, "I'm tired of hearing about X, Y, or Z." Or even, "I don't care about your problem."

Despite the fact that saying, "I don't have the mental space for this," is often negatively perceived, we don't mean it as a more polite way of saying any of the things in the previous paragraph. What the statement generally means is that we're feeling overwhelmed with some things that are happening internally, externally, or both at the same time. It can mean that we need to devote all our mental energy to making it to the end of a project for school or work. It can mean that we're using all of our available resources to survive a physical or mental health crisis (maybe ours or someone else's) or a mental health spiral if we have a mental health condition. It can mean that we're exhausted and need to recharge by engaging in extra self-care. Once we've survived what we need to survive or handled whatever it was that was taking up all of our extra mental space, then we'll come back around to help loved ones with the remaining things that we didn't have the space to help with before.

I also feel like I should make sure we all know that saying, "I don't have the mental space for this," doesn't mean we're lazy. It means we're recognizing our limit and doing what we need to do to care for ourselves. Realizing that you can't take something on and then giving yourself permission not to go ahead and pick it up anyway is a healthy response. (And, yes, this is a reminder for me as much as for everyone else.)

I'll end with this: Saying, "I don't have the mental space for this" isn't a more polite way to let someone know that you don't want to deal with them, find them exhausting, or don't care about their problems. Saying, "I don't have them mental space for this" actually means what it says. It means we're overwhelmed with things that are going on internally, externally, or both and we don't have any more room in our minds to pick up any new things that we have to think about or worry about. It's also healthy for everyone to recognize when they've reached their limit and to allow themselves to say, "I don't have the mental space for this right now."