Life Unmuted

     We all, at least once in our lives, have felt like life has piled up on us and everything going on is just too much. Sometimes, try as we might, to manage our time and our stress and to balance our lives, too many things can happen at once, out of our control. Some people are better at dealing with these moments in life, but me, well...I like control a little too much to be okay with it when things like that happen. (Okay, maybe a I like control a whole lot.)
     This past week, I had a lot going on that was outside of my control. I had what seemed to be a health crisis, but it turned out to be something that wasn't a huge deal. I had an issue with my feelings that I had to take the time to sort out. I was worried about the safety of some people I knew with dangerous occupations. Then, I also had my very first photo session, and it was family portraits. I loved that part, but it was very stressful since it was my first time photographing people. I felt anxiety, intense fear, disappointment, sadness, excitement, and other things in quick succession all week, all as jumbled in my mind as the issues that were causing the feelings. I had no idea what to do with so many feelings going on at one time. I really didn't have control over any of these things, and that just added to my problem because I tried to have control over all of them.
     While I was in elementary school, high school, and even in college, life would pile up on me, much the same way as last week. My way of dealing with it was sort of to not deal with it. I would throw myself into school work, and I would ignore the problems. It almost felt like I could shut my emotions down or at least press the mute button until I was ready to feel them (which would have been never if I had my way). Then, at night, when I would try to go to sleep, I would let myself think about the things that were bothering me. I would be so overwhelmed by all the problems. I ended up crying myself to sleep more times than I can count. Then I would wake up, hit the mute button on my feelings, and repeat the same routine as the day before.
     This week, while I tried unsuccessfully to take back my control with the same methods I had used all my life, I realized that I could no longer press the mute button on my feelings. I had feelings, and I still didn't like it. This stress and my worry over the fact that my feelings mute button was missing made me feel so out of control. I didn't even know if my feelings were normal feelings, but I couldn't stop them from rolling in like a giant tank. Due to the stress, I felt like someone had cranked up the volume on my OCD, which I had finally turned down to almost background noise.
     I had to resort to the new methods I'd learned in therapy. I tried Mindfulness, and I had to just sit with my feelings and observe them. I just had to feel stuff until the stuff was processed and resolved. I also had to accept the fact that I couldn't actually control everything, including my own feelings. That's a pretty scary thing when you're not used letting yourself feel things. (Shocking discovery: I'm noticing that I'm a pretty emotional person, and it doesn't take much to make me tear up.)
     I still have the habit of trying to shove my feelings down and ignore them because, even with therapy, old habits take time to break. I am trying to embrace my feelings, but it's also scary because I'm terrified something will set my anxiety off and send me into a panic. I just have to remind myself that living a life unmuted is healthier than pretending I don't have any feelings.
     I'll end with this: Our feelings exist for a reason, and it's completely okay to feel whatever we feel. We can't really control our feelings all the time, and that is also okay, as long we don't act in any way that harms us or anyone else because of those feelings. The sooner you can embrace your feelings and just feel them, the quicker the feeling will process and resolve in most cases, according to my therapist. Life with feelings is much more interesting than life with your feelings on mute.