How Can I Help?

     I've discovered something recently. I've discovered that most people (myself included sometimes) don't really know how to deal with someone with an anxiety disorder (or any mental health condition)when that condition seems to be getting the best of us for a moment, or in my case when I experience a significant amount of anxiety or when I have a panic attack. It seems to be humanity's default setting to go into helper-teacher-cheerleader mode (myself included) when we see someone we care about struggling with the symptoms of a mental health condition, which means we try to fix the problem, solve the puzzle, and pep talk people into feeling better. It's a nice gesture, and we're all so glad that someone cares enough to want to help, really.
     The problem is that in the middle of a bout of really high anxiety or a panic attack, or a particularly rough day with depression, this helper-teacher-cheerleader mode might not actually help. I know when I'm trying not to panic because of my anxiety, a pep talk filled with reassurance and suggestions about what I should be doing to fix it don't exactly help because I'm so stuck in the unpleasant way that I'm feeling. It actually just makes me feel more frazzled, and when I'm frazzled I tend to get irritable. (I'm really sorry about being irritable, too.) Then, I just feel guilty for being irritable when someone I care about was just trying to help.
     A better way to handle these rough moments is to ask one simple question. Ask me, "How can I help?" Odds are, that if you're close enough to me to actually be present when I'm having a rough day because of my anxiety or panic attacks, I'll tell you what I need. It might be something simple like letting me crank up Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds", watching one of my favorite funny movies with me, or just letting me cry for a little bit while you just sit there. Or, it could be more complicated like going for a walk or taking a drive. Or, I might not need anything. It depends on just how bad the day has been.
     How can I help? I might not know how to answer this question at first, especially if I'm in the middle of a meltdown, but I'll think about it. I'd also be glad that someone cared enough to ask because that means that whoever asked doesn't want me to struggle, or at least the asker might not want me to struggle alone. Kindness goes a long way, especially if I already feel like an irrational, out of control, crazy person.
     Asking someone how you can help someone you care about is also a good idea because that means you care about that THEY (the struggling person) needs most. This question also means that you aren't assuming that you (the asker) understand whatever is going on because, if we (the strugglers) are being completely honest, we may not completely understand what is going on in our mind either at that moment. Even when you ask, though, keep in mind that sometimes, the best thing you can do is just sit with us because we have no idea what you could do to help, but just being there is often helpful.
     I'll end with this: It's really hard to see someone you care about struggling, and it's so great that you want to help. I know I'm always simply grateful when someone sticks around to help, even after my anxious brain has gotten the best of me for a few moments. Just keep in mind that giving suggestions, or a pep talk, or treating us like a problem you can fix isn't the most helpful thing to do. The most helpful thing is to ask how you can help, or ask what we need from you, and then just be there.