Perfectionism (defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online): a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable (or as I like to call it, one of the many things that contributes greatly to my anxiety). I've always had this personality trait, and it never seemed like a big deal. It kept me out of trouble, helped me push myself to get good grades, and all the other things people usually strive for. This perfectionist personality trait also had some consequences, though, like the fact that when I didn't do as well as I wanted to on something, anxiety set in. If I made a mistake I would dwell on it for what felt like forever and feel terrible.
Then the OCD set in, and it seemed to amplify my perfectionist personality trait. I had intrusive thoughts that I couldn't control, that I was sure only bad people had. I started to think that maybe to make up for those thoughts, if I just didn't do anything else wrong, if I didn't commit any other sins, maybe those thoughts could be overlooked in light of all the good things I had tried to do. In other words, if I could be morally perfect in every other way, the thoughts might not count as much. Talk about high standards...
Striving for moral perfection became an obsession. (I still struggle with it a lot). I felt like I had to be 100% honest all the time, 100% selfless all the time, and 100% compassionate and understanding all the time. Anything less than that meant that I was a terrible person, and being a terrible person made me live a guilt-riddled existence. The problem is that no one is capable of achieving any of those standards I set for myself, and I knew no one else could possibly do that. Sounds irrational, then, doesn't it? Logically I know my ideas aren't rational, but logic doesn't always help my anxiety.
My therapist likes to point out that the things I was trying to achieve were impossibly high standards because I'm only human, and humans are imperfect. (She likes to say that to me a whole lot.) She also asked me what my idea of a bad person was, and I realized that the definition of a bad person that I gave her didn't match anything that I had ever done. That doesn't really get rid of my guilt for my perceived moral infractions, no matter how small they are in reality, though.
For weeks now, my therapist and I have been working on changing my faulty thought patterns. I've tried to shrug things off, and say, "So what? In the past I made mistakes, but the past doesn't matter as much as the present moment and the future. Everyone makes mistakes." I've also tried to wrap my anxious brain around the idea of settling for being an okay, mostly good, or at the least, an okay, not bad, human. Changing my perfectionist tendencies and my faulty thought patterns is a very difficult thing to do, but I'm trying to be more compassionate with myself than I have been in the past.
I'll end with this: If you wouldn't hold someone else that you love to such high standards, why do you hold yourself to such standards? You don't have to be perfect to be a good person. Trying your best and being "okay" is perfectly acceptable. Being perfect is impossible. It doesn't mean that anyone is a failure or a bad person for being just an "okay", average human who has bad days, bad moods, and makes mistakes.
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