The Two People in My Mind

     I've said the same thing over and over again since I've been battling Primarily Obsessional OCD. I've said to both of my therapists and my mother that it feels like two extremely different people live in my mind. At this point, I have even affectionately named them Anxious Annie and Logical Lucy.
     Anxious Annie personifies the OCD. She is irrationally driven by fear of every thought I have. She freaks out at the slightest thing she labels as abnormal or bad (and she thinks almost everything that isn't sunshine and rainbows is bad). Then when Logical Lucy tries to step in and calm Anxious Annie, Anxious Annie attacks her. (And let me tell you that Anxious Annie is like a trained UFC Fighter.)
     Logical Lucy personifies the rational part of my mind. She knows the whole time that Anxious Annie is being irrational. She is like the calm therapist that tries to talk Anxious Annie out of her anxious tirade. She tries to explain to Anxious Annie that she really doesn't need to be so anxious, and she occasionally has to talk Anxious Annie down from the precipice of a panic attack.
     Almost every day I feel like both of the people that live inside my mind are trying to claim my attention. At the same time I am worrying about something and falling into an obsessive thought spiral, I'm logically myself, too. That means I know the things I'm worrying about and thinking are irrational, but I am powerless to stop myself from doing those things. Knowing something is irrational and silly just makes me feel like a crazy person because, even though I know it's irrational, I can't stop thinking about it.
     Also, as a result of the two parts of my mind being at war, I also feel like I am a non-crazy person being held captive by a crazy person. I realize I am thinking or behaving in a way that my OCD is in control of the situation. I realize that my anxiety has gotten the best of me at times. It feels like Logical Lucy got handcuffed and thrown in jail while Anxious Annie got away with armed robbery of my sanity.
     How do I try to bring Logical Lucy to the front of my mind instead of Anxious Annie? I label my thoughts and practice Mindfulness. If something pops into my mind and it just keeps rolling around so that I have to keep thinking about it, I label it as an OCD thought. Then I try to objectively observe that thought until it stops happening. I may have to do that every few minutes for a while, but my brain eventually lands on something else to think about. It gets easier over time, and then I feel in control again.
     I'll end with this: Sometimes it can feel like your life is controlled by your mental health condition, and that sucks. I still feel like that sometimes after months of weekly therapy visits. It can be scary when it feels like your mind is holding you prisoner. Mindfulness practice helps me greatly. If you haven't tried it, I encourage you to research it and see what you think.