Breakthrough

     For the past couple of weeks in my sessions, my therapist and I have been working on desensitization exercises. I have to admit, after the way the first real exercise went, I was afraid to start them again. (Just to recap: during the first exposure exercise, I listened to a hymn, or, I tried to listen to a hymn. I barely made it five seconds into the song before my anxiety and guilt skyrocketed, and I had to back out of the exercise. I cried and felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the office. I had to retreat to my safe place, in my mind.)
     The desensitization exercises I did last week and this week went differently from my first real attempt. Last week, I went in, and I got so nervous that I broke out in sweats and my palms got super sweaty (gross!). I even caught myself stalling before I let myself play the music on my phone. I just kept talking because I was scared, even though in the back of my mind I'm practically screaming, "Shut up and just do it!"
     I tapped the play button on my phone, and "How Great Thou Art" started to play. I did the deep breathing, just like I'd learned to remain calm. My anxiety did a couple of jumps, but I hung in there. I made it through a verse and the chorus of the song before my anxiety got so high that I wanted to cry. Then I turned the song off. My hands were shaking, but panic didn't overwhelm me. I breathed, and I went to the safe place in my mind that I had constructed.
     I was fine, and I don't mean the pretend fine when I'm in public trying to keep my anxiety in check. I was genuinely fine, if a little shaky. I was even fine after I got home. No increased frequency of intrusive thoughts, no fear of being left alone. I was even able to take a nap (because therapy is exhausting).
     The desensitization exercises continued this week. I was anxious before we started because, let's face it, being exposed to something you know is going to trigger terrifying thoughts that could play on a loop in your mind for the rest of the day is terrifying. The fear that I may burst into flames or fall writhing onto the floor while my inner demons run free because of those terrifying blasphemous thoughts, makes me desperately want to avoid religious things at all costs. I was more confident this time because of how well everything went the week before, by I was still afraid. It gets a little hard to breathe when I pull out the list of songs that I choose from and my phone. At least this time, my therapist didn't ask me if I needed the window open or if I needed a glass of water, which sort of feels like an improvement.
     This time, things were a little better than fine. I actually made it through the whole song ("What a Friend We Have in Jesus, for that session). I was able to sit through a whole hymn, and the guilt I felt wasn't overwhelming. I also only experienced a slight rise in anxiety that I can't even really call a jump. My palms were sweaty, and my hands were shaking. But I didn't cry. I also didn't feel panicked. I felt okay the whole time. I did my deep breathing the whole time, and I remained mostly calm.
     I was so happy that I could have cried happy tears. After six years, and just over a year of weekly therapy sessions, I could listen to a hymn without sheer terror and panic and extreme guilt. I think that counts as some sort of therapeutic, breakthrough, doesn't it? I don't even know how to put the relief and happiness I felt into words so that people that aren't me can understand it.
     This doesn't mean that my funky brain is no longer funky. My brain will always be funky. I have other obsessions that I'll have to work through in therapy with more exposure and response prevention. However, after the events of this week's session, I feel like I'll be able to do it. I feel like I'll be able to work through this obsession and the other obsessions that torment me. Always in the back of my mind while I've been in therapy has been the question, "What if I don't ever really get better? What if I'm just like this forever?" I'm suddenly not so worried (at least for the moment).
     I'll end with this: I know that counseling with a therapist, or reading and working through a self help book, or any healthy way that you're trying to help yourself get well can be a long, grueling, and often terrifying process.  Sometimes, you can't see improvements when you want to, and that gets extremely frustrating. Putting in the work in counseling and getting the right kind of help whether it's a self help book, counseling services, and/or medications (or all three together) even when it gets frustrating or seems too scary or hopeless will pay off if you can just manage to hang in there. It took me six years to even just work up the nerve to tell someone what was happening, and then I went through debilitating panic for a week after that, plus a physician suggesting counseling before I went to see a therapist. Then I went through a year of weekly counseling sessions before I realized that everything might be somewhere in the ballpark of "okay". Sometimes, I think it's a miracle that I've gotten to the place that I am in right now. So please, don't give up on yourself even if you're feeling frustrated and hopeless.