Is This Who I Am?

     I have struggled with a mental health condition for my entire adult life. My OCD symptoms hit fast and hard in my last semester of my senior year of high school, and then I just spiraled with an out of control mental health condition for the next six years without treatment. As a result of that, while everyone in college was figuring out who they were and what they wanted, I was literally just trying to survive day-to-day life and hide my symptoms instead of trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my life. I just tried to be a who I thought I HAD TO be in order to prove everything my mental illness told me was wrong. (Hint: that never works because your mental health condition will feel like it out-logics everything you think or do.)
     I was reflecting on how I've changed and how my life has improved since I entered treatment a couple of years ago, and I just had to sit there sort of in awe for a moment. I felt like everything had changed. My opinions, my thoughts, my political stance, my goals in life, what makes me happy, my hopes and dreams, what I looked for in friends and a partner...all of it had changed in the last couple of years since I had gotten my mental health to a more stable place. I noticed that I even dressed differently because my clothing style was no longer dependent on making sure I projected this "good" image (which, in my mind, meant that I couldn't dress in the way I wanted to dress because I like to wear a lot of black, and that might lead people to think that I was dark on the inside, like my outside projected. I couldn't give other people any reason to question my "goodness" while I was also questioning the same thing. I know that sounds crazy, but, hey, mental illness never makes sense.). Looking back at the girl from a couple of years ago, I didn't recognize her, and as I thought about her, I kept thinking, "That doesn't feel like me..."
     I was talking to my mom about this the other night. I had gone on this long explanation about why I felt and thought the way I did now on a certain topic. I dove really deep with my explanation, and then, once I realized how different I sounded from even just a year ago, I stopped and looked at her for a second. I asked her, somewhat jokingly, "Is this who I am now?" Later that was followed up with a more serious question, "So, what..? I've gotten my mental health under control, and now I'm figuring out who I really am?" My mom was just like, "Apparently."
     At some point I stopped thinking, "My OCD tells me this, so I have to prove it wrong by choosing this option, even if I don't feel like myself." Instead, at some point during my course of getting well and healing, I started to think, "This option would make me happy, let's go with that." The focus shifted from me trying to prove myself to my funky brain to me just trying to be happy. I even got shamed by a lady at a party once for stating an opinion, and I didn't feel like a bad person because I didn't have anything to prove to her about what a good person I was. I didn't even care if she thought I was a bad person because I knew I wasn't a bad person in that moment. I wasn't even motivated by my OCD to concede and change my opinion just so I could be perceived differently.
     I was struck by the realization the other day that I can literally just make choices (within reason) that make me happy and that will be what I wanted long term. I don't have to prove how "good" I am with every single decision that I make so that I can make up for my bad OCD thoughts. (Example: I don't have to prove I'm a good person by choosing a career that directly helps people like I thought I did. Instead, I can write for a living because I enjoy it and it makes me happy.)  As a result, stable, happier Megan seems to be quite different from OCD Megan.
     I'll end with this: Figuring out who you are is hard for the average person, but it can be even harder for a person with a mental health condition. The first step is treatment for your mental health condition. It can take a long time to get out of survival mode enough to find yourself, and there is no shame in figuring things out later. We're only humans and we're always a work in progress.