What if I really am a terrible person? What if my cat thinks I don't love her because I wouldn't let her sit in my lap that ONE TIME today? What if I die in my sleep because I took my allergy medications AND an Ibuprofen? What if my heart really does just give out during a panic attack? What if I actually get Covid-19, and I die?
My brain has always been great at asking "What if?" questions like the ones above, and I've always been super great at sending myself into an anxious frenzy with the questions my brain likes to ask. Honestly, one minute everything is fine. Then my brain tosses out a question like the ones above, and before I know it, I've spiraled. Thinking of one "What if?" scenario leads to thinking of more and more terrifying worst case scenarios. Then, I'm crying while I'm trying and (sometimes still) failing to pull myself back from the edge so I don't tip over into a full-on panic attack.
Yes, thinking of the future and having an idea of the things you want is a good idea, and being prepared for some mishaps is a good thing. Here's the thing with the "What if?" questions, though. They're never positive, are they? It's always something like, "What if X goes wrong?" And it's never, "What if X goes well?"
On top of always being a worst case sort of thing, they take us into the future, and the future is always full of uncertainty. An anxious brain doesn't do well with uncertainty. So, of course, my anxiety skyrockets when those types of questions are asked because I can't say for sure that everything will be okay. (I can't say for sure it won't be okay, either, but my brain doesn't pay attention to that idea.) Then, in an effort to cope in a backwards sort of way, my brain gives me more and more worst case scenarios so I can think about how to handle them.
Then I have to go to my therapist, and I have to tell her that I practically caused myself to panic. She understands. She tells me the same thing she always tells me: that I have to let go of the "What if?" and live in the current reality. Every "What if?" question I bring her, she asks something like, "What evidence do you have?" Then when I can't think of any evidence to support the worst case scenario zipping around in my brain she asks something like, "So, what's the currently reality of the situation?" Then I basically end up telling her that everything is (mostly/sort of) fine, and that I'm just anxious.
I've been working on this pretty much the entire time I've been in therapy. It isn't easy. I'm a planner. I'm future-oriented. I've been working on it more with the current situation in the world. Every time I start to hear the "What if?" sneaking in, I have to stop myself. I have to stop and say, "Well, currently, X, Y, and Z are fine, and that's all I have to worry about right now." Or, I have to ask myself, "What is the evidence?" When I (usually) can't come up with any, I just take some deep breaths and try to move on. Some days, this is easier to do than others, but at least I'm working on it.
I'll end with this: Learning to live in the current reality without asking "What if...?" is difficult, especially for those of us with anxious brains. But...those future what if's are dangerous, friends. When we only live in the uncertain future, we can miss all the things in the current reality that actually are okay and that can offer us some sense of certainty and stability, which we all need to thrive.
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