Anxiety Isn't a Code Word

    As someone with two diagnosed anxiety disorders, anxiety is pretty much my constant companion. I check in with my anxiety often so that I'm always mindful of how I'm feeling and treating myself, and I usually manage it pretty well. But, then, there are just some things that happen, or some places, or some people that can be a trigger for my OCD and/or Panic Disorder. 

    As someone with Panic Disorder, crowds, like those we usually find in stores before the holidays, or those generally swarming the streets of Gatlinburg can trigger a panic attack. Over-stimulating environments, like if the environment is really loud or there are a lot of flashing lights, or if people are yelling can trigger a panic attack. Wearing a mask when I go out is also a thing that can trigger a panic attack, as is having a stuffed up nose. (I still wear a mask.)

    As someone with OCD, change of any kind is a huge trigger for me. Any change in my daily routine, and especially bigger changes in my life like moving, cause a spike in anxiety that will then cause a spike in the occurrence and volume of my intrusive thoughts. Even happy changes, like unexpectedly being invited somewhere or unexpectedly having someone I like drop by for a visit is enough to cause a spike in my anxiety, because that is a deviation from the day's routine that I had planned out the day before.

    Here's the thing though: "This is messing with my anxiety," isn't code for, "I don't want to do this" or "I don't like this". Just because something makes me anxious doesn't mean that I don't WANT to do that thing. It doesn't mean that I don't LIKE doing that thing. Just because something could make me anxious doesn't mean that I won't TRY TO ENJOY the thing. Just because I'm anxious when someone drops by for a visit unexpectedly doesn't mean that I don't want to see them or that I don't want them to come over. Sure, I wish they had called or texted first, but, I'm still probably happy to see them. (I'm an introvert, so I'm not above just not opening the door and/or hiding until they leave if I REALLY didn't want to see them. I would also just decline an offer if I didn't want to do something.)

    Here's what that does mean: I may have to work a little bit harder to be able to do the thing. It may take me a little bit to work up to doing whatever the thing is, especially if I've already had a panic attack doing that thing or a similar thing before. (Example: I had a panic attack in the movie theater once, and it took me a couple of months to be able to go back to the movie theater.) I also probably need a small adjustment period to get used to the unexpected change even if it's a nice change. I mean, my brain is more than likely screaming at me, "This wasn't the plan. This feels different. DANGER! ABORT MISSION!" So, I'm going to have to work on quieting that anxious voice, which may take a few minutes. It also means that some days the trigger may feel too intense or my anxiety may already be too high, and I may have to leave or cancel doing whatever thing it was.

    I used to feel guilty, ashamed, or angry when I experienced an OCD spike or had a panic attack when I was TRYING to enjoy something. It almost felt like making excuses to admit that something was negatively affecting my anxiety disorder. I try not to be so unkind to myself these days. I had to stop and recognize that making my mental health a priority was actually listening to my body and acting accordingly. Sometimes, that just means talking to myself with extra compassion and patience while I still try to enjoy a place, event, or people; and sometimes that means recognizing that I need to step away to bring myself back to a better place before I can truly enjoy something or embrace a change in routine.

    I'll end with this: Experiencing mental health symptoms doesn't mean that someone doesn't want or like doing something or being somewhere. It may just mean that someone needs extra compassion and understanding to work through the symptoms or that they need to gracefully bow out this time. That is okay. Saying something is triggering a mental health condition also isn't a code for "I don't want to do/don't like this." No one should feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or angry for prioritizing mental health in this way.