What Could Have Been

     What would my life be like if I didn't have OCD and panic disorder? Who would I be right now if I'd never experienced the first symptom of OCD that day in art history class? Would I have chosen a different major? Would I have chosen a different career path? Would I still live in my small hometown? Would I have actually been married by now? These are just some of the questions I've asked myself when I've let myself drift into the land of "what could have been".

    It's so easy to let ourselves drift into the land of "what could have been", to imagine if just one thing was different about our lives, to imagine who we could have been under different circumstances, especially when we live with a mental health condition. It's also super easy, once we've fantasized about what could have been, to resent our unwell brains for all the choices we think we could have made differently if our mental health conditions wouldn't have been in control at the time. It's so easy, particularly on the bad days, when we feel like our mental health condition is robbing us of peace and normalcy, to say, "If only I didn't have this condition, then maybe I could have..."

    All those "what could have been" scenarios are fantasies, though. None of us has the TARDIS or any other time machine, so it's not like we can go back and re-make the decisions we wish we could change. None of us can go back and just decide to opt out of our mental health conditions. We can't change our genetic predispositions. The past is the past, and living in "what could have been" tries to keep us rooted there, which doesn't help us on our journey to wellness.

    I had to let go of the idea of "what could have been" in order to stop thinking about my mental health condition as the thing that ruined my life so that I could fully accept my new normal and learn to find and create my own happiness in the reality that I actually live in. I had to let go of "what could have been" to acknowledge how far I've come instead of belittling my own progress by focusing on the things I wish could be different.

    Focusing on "what could have been" also stops us from looking at what could STILL BE. We can make different decisions in the present and the future. We can still do things we feel like our mental health got in the way of in the past. We can make changes and correct certain decisions (like finishing school/changing career paths/moving/making new friends). We can still create the lives we wanted, even if we feel like we missed out on "what could have been" in the past. As the old saying goes: We're all one decision away from a completely different life.

    I'll end with this: Focusing on "what could have been" if your mental health condition hadn't gotten in the way stops you from thinking about what could STILL BE. The idea of "what could have been" is a fantasy that is rooted in the past and the person you (maybe) were at one point in your life, and it doesn't allow for growth and change. The idea of "what can STILL BE" is rooted in the reality that takes into account how you've grown and changed, and it contains all the possibilities that "what could have been" holds you back from.