Peaceful Co-Existence

    When I was first learning to live with mental illness after my diagnosis, I thought of my OCD and panic disorder as things I needed to control in order to become and then to maintain my wellness. My mindset when it came to my mental health conditions was, "I will fight you, and I will win. I won't let you interfere with my life." I viewed my OCD and panic disorder as some unruly creature that I had to keep on a tight leash, lest it have too much wiggle room and ruin everything I had worked for.

    This "control" approach left me feeling exhausted, hopeless, and miserable more often than not. I was basically just surviving instead of truly thriving and growing because I was constantly on guard, worried that my mental illness was going to break through my carefully held control and undo every little bit of progress I was making. I was never not worried about what my mental illness was doing. (Spoiler: This whole "control" idea I had was really giving my mental illness more control over me and not the other way around.) By always being worried that my control of my mental illness would lapse and result in disaster, I was pretty much consumed by my conditions. This didn't leave enough space for me to nurture my actual self, the person who existed separate from the mental illness that forms who I am as a person with a healthier brain. (Hint: You can't truly heal if you don't nurture your actual self that is separate from the mental illness along with managing the mental illness itself.)

    The thing I realized a little bit later than I should have is that mental illness can't be controlled. None of us can control whether or not we live with mental illness, or whether or not it interferes with our lives from time to time, even with medication. We can, however, control how we interact with our mental illness. This realization prompted a change to a healthier, more accurate way of thinking about and living with my mental health conditions.  

    These days, instead of control, I strive for peaceful co-existence with my OCD and panic disorder. My mindset now is, "You're here. I'm here. Neither of us is going anywhere, so let's figure out how we can have a healthy balance within this space we share." (The shared space is my mind and body.) I allow my anxiety to take up an amount of space that I don't feel is frightening or overwhelming (because your mental illness is going to take up space whether you want it to or not) while I exist and function alongside the mental illness in enough space that allows me to thrive and to grow so that healing can happen. 

    With peaceful co-existence my focus is no longer my mental illness and how it can wreak havoc. My focus now is how I can help myself can feel balanced and "human" all the time, even on a day when I'm experiencing symptoms of my mental health condition. It's a much gentler and kinder way of dealing with my OCD and panic disorder, and it leaves me the space and time I need to learn about my actual self as I heal and grow.

    I'll end with this: When we strive to control our mental illness, the thought seems to be, "This can't be here," which isn't healthy, realistic or kind to ourselves. Life with a mental health condition is hard enough, and we don't need to make it harder by trying to control a thing that isn't controllable. Shifting our thinking so that we strive for peaceful co-existence, where the focus is, "Let's figure out how to find a balance between our actual self and the mental health condition in this shared mind and body," is healthier, more realistic, and kinder to ourselves.