Just Listen to Us

    Figuring out life with mental illness can be hard, especially in the beginning. We have to figure what our triggers are. We have to figure out how to manage symptoms. We have to figure out what treatments work best for our brains. We have to figure out how to have difficult conversations with loved ones, bosses, and even potential partners about our mental health conditions. We have to figure out what bits of our old lives we get to keep and what bits we have to change for our own wellness. Basically, we have to figure out how to navigate life all over again with this new, scary thing that we have to take into account for practically every decision we make.

    The whole process is frustrating and painful, and it has probably been a trial and error process for us, but then....we figure it out. We figure out how to identify and handle existing and potential triggers, how to manage the symptoms, how to live as fully as possible while we keep an eye on our ever-present mental health condition and travel along our wellness journey.

    While we're figuring things out for ourselves, our loved ones are also trying to figure it all out alongside us. They see us struggling. They see us at our worst when our mental illness is wreaking havoc on us and our lives, and they hate it. Our loved ones would more than likely do anything to make our suffering stop, but they have no idea how to make it stop. They can't take away the mental illness, and so this might lead our loved ones to try to protect us from our mental health condition. 

    In an effort to help us manage our mental illness, our loved ones can sometimes make mental health decisions for us to avoid certain situations because they assume the situation will be a trigger. Sometimes, even when we insist that we would be fine in X situation, our loved ones will stand firm and say something along the lines of, "No. That will definitely make you (insert symptoms here). I know it will. So we just won't do that/watch that/talk about that."

    While we understand that this protectiveness comes from a place of love, it's not the most helpful attitude to have when dealing with someone else's mental health condition. Just because we have a mental health condition doesn't mean that we're like children that don't know what's best for ourselves or how to take care of ourselves. We've put in the work in therapy to learn these exact things.

    It would be so much more helpful if they just asked us, "Are you okay if we do this/watch this/talk about this today?" and then ACTUALLY LISTENED TO US when we gave them an answer. If we've been living with our mental illness for some time, and especially if we've spent some time in therapy, we know our mental health boundaries. We know when it's a good time to challenge our mental illness and when it's a good time to leave or avoid a situation to be kind to ourselves. So, if we say we'll be fine in a situation, we mean it, because we wouldn't risk creating a bad mental health day just to prove a point. If we legitimately feel like it might be a bad day to be exposed to anything we can opt out of, we'll tell you that. 

    Also, if something has been a trigger for us in the past, that doesn't mean that same thing will ALWAYS be a trigger for our mental illness. We can and do work through some things like that in therapy so that we don't make avoidance the default coping mechanism. You can always ask, "I know this has been a trigger in the past, but how do you feel about it now?" instead of assuming that it's still an issue. We know that if we want to maintain wellness it's best to answer questions like this honestly instead of giving you the answer we think you want from us.

       On another level, just assuming that something will be triggering and then telling us that you know a certain thing will be triggering isn't a good idea. If we aren't careful, thinking about why you think something would be triggering (especially when we're dealing with intrusive thoughts) can create a trigger where there wasn't one before. 

    Loved ones can still be protective, and we appreciate that in the right context. Save the protectiveness for when someone is arguing that our mental illness isn't a real illness or when we confront someone for using our mental illness as a "quirky" personality trait. That's when we need it. We don't really need it when we're just making decisions about what we can handle in regard to our mental health condition. Odds are, after some time in therapy and after we've (mostly) figured out how to navigate life with our mental illness, we don't need you to try to protect us from ourselves or our mental health conditions as much as you still think we do. (But we love you for wanting to.)

    I'll end with this: I know, you want to figure out any way you can to protect someone you care about from the suffering that comes with their mental health condition. However, when it comes to trying to help someone manage their mental illness, making the decision for them to avoid certain things without talking to them about it isn't the most helpful thing you can do. We're so glad you want to help, and honestly, the most helpful thing you can do is listen to us about dealing with our own mental health condition. It's okay to just ask, "Do you feel okay with X?" instead of just assuming you know best because you love them.