Sticks and Stones

     We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" said by well-meaning family, friends, teachers, and all other sorts of people. The people that told us that old adage meant well, but let's face it, words do hurt. People say mean things out of ignorance, anger, fear, or just to be mean. So, to continue the topic of the mental health stigma, I'm going to mention some of the stuff that people say to others that are dealing with mental illness. I've experienced a few of these things myself, but I've seen a lot of hurtful things written on other blogs about mental health that I've been reading lately.

1. "You should be locked up." (In an institution)
     My grandmother would say this to my mother (who suffers from anxiety and sometimes panic attacks) on her worst days. I'm not sure why she would always threaten this right after my mother had a panic attack or got depressed, but that was always the threat. I try to think that maybe it was some kind of tough love tactic that she used to try to force my mother to pull herself together and carry on, but it didn't help.
     If someone is having a hard time dealing with something, threatening something like this is never going to help. Odds are, the person will be scared, and it could make the symptoms worse. I was so afraid that I really would be sent away to a mental health facility when I started struggling, and that's a big part of why I didn't tell anyone.

2. "It's all in your head."
     Yes, we are aware that our mental health problems are all in our heads. People say this to (possibly) try to give us a change in perspective, maybe to make us realize that our fears and worries aren't actually going to happen, but it comes across as dismissive, like it isn't a real (and terrifying) problem.

3. "Just let it go." /"Snap out of it."
     Telling someone struggling with mental illness to just let it go or to snap out of it, is the equivalent of telling someone with diabetes to just let it go or to snap out of it. Before I was clinically diagnosed, my mother would tell me to just let things go because she didn't understand that with an anxious brain, thoughts, worries, fears, get stuck, and then they roll around in my head like a pinball in one of those Pinball machines. (She has since apologized, and she doesn't say anything like this anymore.)
      When someone says one of these things, it just makes us feel worse. This sort of comes across as you're frustrated with us or tired of dealing with us. We're just as frustrated and tired of dealing with it, too, some days, and we wish we could just be better. Statements like this almost feel like they have an accusatory meaning, like, "Just be better, already."

4. "Maybe you want to feel this way." 
     A friend that I love dearly said this to me when I first confided that, sometimes, my mind goes to a really dark place, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I was getting ready to tell her about the intrusive thoughts and to ask her if she had ever experienced anything like that. Then she said that. My friend seemed to think, that because I couldn't pull myself out of the spiral I had gotten into, I wanted to be in that dark place...the dark place where I was sure God didn't love me anymore, where I was sure I was going to Hell, where I was sure I was evil/possessed/crazy. NO! Nope! Just...no.
     This statement is possibly the worst thing you could say to someone suffering from mental illness in my opinion. This sounds like you're blaming them for feeling the way they feel. I'm sure my friend didn't mean it that way. I'm not sure what she meant by that. I just know that, when my friend said that, I no longer wanted to talk about what I was going through, and I didn't.

5. "Why can't you just deal with it on your own?"
     The decision to seek treatment for mental illness is a hard one to make. Questions like this, even if they aren't meant to, sound judgmental. When someone is thinking about getting counseling and/or taking medication for their mental health, some tend it see that as weakness. If you're close to someone who is struggling with a decision like this, asking something like that could sway them. People are less likely to make a decision when they feel like they'll be judged or not accepted for it. This is why so many people never get help.

     For me, personally, the things I just mentioned aren't even the most alarming. As a person of faith, I've seen that other people of faith that aren't struggling with mental illness can say things that are psychologically damaging, even when they mean well. I've seen things like this all over the Internet while I've been reading other blogs, and every time I see them, I cringe. After some of the things I've read about, I can't really blame people for being afraid of Christianity or leaving Christianity completely.

1. "God won't give you more than you can handle."
     This statement is something that is meant with the best of intentions, I know. I understand this is said as a way to try and get another person to see their own strength during a rough time. I get all that, but when this is said in reference to mental illness, it can take on a whole different interpretation. When you say something like that to a person struggling with mental illness, it isn't comforting. It almost sounds like, "God gave you this mental illness because God knew you could handle it."
     Some days, living with mental illness is like living in your own personal Hell on Earth, and some days it feels like a punishment. Implying that God had something to do with why someone is suffering like that, just because they're a strong person, or maybe even that God is testing their strength is a terrible idea. Think about this, what does that say about the person suffering when they feel like they can't handle it anymore? They're going to feel like they're letting God down because they can't handle something they now think God gave them. Also, think about how that might negatively affect their view of God after you say that to them.


2. "Pray about it and God will heal you."
     I actually saw this in a comment section for somebody's blog about their struggle with depression. Saying this to someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness, or who confides in you that they think they have a mental health issue is implying that they shouldn't seek medical treatment. You're basically saying that they can pray mental illness away. It also implies that, maybe, because they prayed about it and didn't get better, that their faith isn't strong enough, or that God doesn't want to heal them.
     As someone who is a person of faith and has prayed that God would "fix" me, I can tell you just how damaging this statement can be. I thought God wasn't helping me because God didn't love me, that maybe I deserved to feel this way because God had to have a reason for not making me better. At my lowest (freshman year of college) I thought, it would be okay if I just didn't wake up the next morning because that would have been more merciful than having to feel like God was purposefully not helping me. (It got better, and I no longer feel this way. It took a while.)

3. "You're problem is that you don't have Jesus."/ "You just need Jesus and you won't have X."
     I saw this comment on a Buzzfeed article comment section about mental illness. The problem is a chemical imbalance in a person's brain or a traumatic event (for PTSD). The problem is not a person's perceived lack of faith. Statements like this imply that only non-Christians have mental health issues, and that isn't true. Plenty of Christians struggle with mental illness. This also implies that the Christians suffering with mental illness, somehow aren't Christian enough, and that's why they're suffering.

I'll end with this: Be mindful of the things you say to people. You never know how much and for how long somebody might have been suffering or how much effort they expend on a daily basis just to fit society's definition of normal. If you've heard anything like what I've mentioned in this blog, please know that comments like these say more about the speaker than they say about you. Having a mental health problem is not your fault, and it is not an indicator of your faith (or your lack of faith) in a higher power.