The Small Victories

     I had a conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago, and we were talking about some changes that I had started to notice. An example is that when I wake up these days, my mind is quiet or filled with thoughts that fall into the neutral category, like whether or not it's a workout day, instead of the intrusive thoughts that I've been waking up with for years. Yes, I still experience anxiety, but it's more of a free-floating anxiety instead of the anxiety brought on by my intrusive thoughts.
     I was sort of beating myself up for still having anxiety, even the random free-floating anxiety, more days of the week than I was being calm. I was trying to be patient, but after being in therapy for 3 months, I wondered if I should be seeing bigger improvements. I was still making small improvements, but I was worried that they weren't enough, like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.
     My therapist thought I was being too hard on myself, and I was. She told me something like, "It's really the small victories...they're important because they give you the confidence you need in yourself to be able to continue to improve." She had a point.
     It's like this: When you learn to drive a car, you don't just get in it and go right for the main roads with all the traffic and things like that. You start off slow. You learn where the gas and the break are. You learn how all the knobs and buttons in the car work and what they're for. Then maybe you back up and drive down your driveway a few times. Then you might take the car though your neighborhood (and hopefully you don't cry behind the wheel like me). The point: You learned to drive in small pieces. You couldn't just get in it and drive yourself to school on the first day. All those small pieces you learned were important pieces, and when you got the hang of them, you were confident and proud of yourself for accomplishing something.
     Mental health, especially recovery from and even the day-to-day management of some mental health condition that grabs hold and throws your life out of whack, can be thought of in the same way. You recover in little, but still very important, pieces. Those small victories you have, like going a whole day without a panic attack when you have panic attacks everyday, or managing to get up and shower when you're depressed, are super important. Those small victories give you more confidence to think that maybe you can get better. Those small victories give you hope. They get you thinking about the big victories you could see in the future, or they may even spur you into more wellness-oriented changes you could make, like trying out yoga or whatever your idea of wellness practice includes.
     I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized that because of the little pieces and the little changes I've made, I haven't had a panic attack in just over two months. I started off thinking that if I could go 24 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. Then I started thinking that if I could go 48 hours without a panic attack, I was alright. My small victories added up. Now, I'm just working on managing the anxiety instead of being terrified that a panic attack is going to hit me at any second.
     I'll end with this: Even the small victories are important when you're getting your life back after or during a struggle with a mental health condition. Those small victories add up. Remember to stop for a second and recognize your victories no matter how small because you worked to achieve them.