Another Ah-Ha! Moment

     I usually contribute most of my anxiety to my OCD without looking too deep to see if there might be another problem underneath the OCD. Sometimes I contribute my unease to free floating anxiety that I can't explain. I thought it was impossible to really figure out the things that seemed to trigger my OCD to flare up randomly when I was in the middle of laughing at something or otherwise experiencing life as an average human.
     Then I noticed that, since I added an actual Mindfulness meditation to my daily routine four weeks ago, that it has become easier for me to take a step back and objectively observe my anxiety. I have found it easier to distance myself from my own mind in the past few weeks (with the exception of those days when my anxiety reaches panic attack level). Distancing myself and being objective has also enabled me to find my biggest trigger for my OCD.
     Mindfulness meditation, in the short 4 weeks that I've been practicing every day, has also made me much more observant of my own reactions to things. As a result of that new awareness, I noticed that any time that I wasn't in a neutral or content emotional state, the volume would get turned up on my intrusive thoughts. If I got sad or frustrated or stressed or scared or even too happy, my intrusive thoughts would swirl in like a tornado. I even noticed when I had a brief moment of feeling inadequate over the past week the OCD flared up. As long as I was content or not feeling much of anything (unless confronted with my religious or other triggers in my external environment) my mind was relatively quiet.
     This was another grand Ah-Ha! moment for me. I understood a little bit better. This moment of realization also drove home the point that I'm REALLY not good with all the feel-y things. I talked to my therapist about it, and she seems to think it makes sense considering I've spent the majority of my life attempting to shut down my feelings. (Why did I think that was a good idea?)
     This latest realization has also changed the way I deal with my anxiety a little bit more. In a way, since its easy to spot my triggers, I am more prepared to deal with the free floating anxiety and the OCD. Now, when I notice that my intrusive thoughts are more frequent than usual, or if I notice extra anxiety hanging around when I haven't noticed any triggers in the environment, I stop and take a step back. I ask myself, "What am I feeling that might make this worse right now?" Then I take a breath, and I try accept the feeling and actually let myself feel it. It seems that once I become open to feeling something my mind quiets down.
     Now, as a result of this new realization, I'm also more prepared to deal with the OCD spikes when they happen. I sort of expect them when I'm in a situation that I know might cause me to feel sad or frightened or stressed or too happy. (As I typed that sentence, I couldn't help but to think about how poorly I must have dealt with life up to this point.) When I expect them, it becomes easier to really believe that it is just an anxiety disorder, and I can brush them off. It's a relief any time I avoid the rumination that can take up hours or even days of my time.
     I'll end with this: I never thought feeling things was so important, and I have realized that was a mistake. Hiding feelings, muting them, or convincing yourself that you're too logical for feelings can have long term, damaging consequences. Accepting all the feelings and letting yourself feel them really is the best way to deal with them. If you're distress intolerant like me, I encourage you to check out Mindfulness and try it out.