New Hope

     This past week, I had a sort of Ah-Ha! moment. I'm not sure exactly what made something click into place in my mind, but it happened. I was reading online about mental health topics, and this particular night I was reading about anxiety disorders and intrusive thoughts. (I was having a rough day, and reading about people with similar experiences to my own makes me feel less alone.)
     Intrusive thoughts on any frightening topic imaginable happen with any anxiety disorder. I read about a lady with Generalized Anxiety Disorder that had intrusive thoughts about murdering her children. I read about someone with Panic Disorder that also had to deal with equally catastrophic intrusive thoughts. I was already aware of the OCD intrusive thoughts, but I read about a couple of those recovery stories as well. (You know...if those people can recover and learn to dismiss their scary intrusive thoughts, surely I can do the same.)
     I went to my weekly therapy session, and I discussed the prevalence of intrusive thoughts across the board of anxiety disorders with my therapist. She nodded. Then she said, "Everyone has intrusive thoughts at one point or another." Everyone in the world has thought something blasphemous or violent or something equally frightening and repulsive at least once in their lives, but they choose not to pay attention to that weird thought. I knew that logically, but for some reason that idea just recently sank into my mind that they were able to choose what thoughts they paid attention to.
     I also talked to my therapist about my meditation practice, and I told her that thoughts would pop up about what I wanted to wear the next day, or about my friends, or some scene from a movie. She informed me that those were also considered intrusive thoughts simply because I didn't want to be thinking about those things while I was meditating. I just brushed those thoughts away, though, and went back to focusing on my breathing. I said, "But those don't count. They don't bother me." She said something like, "Exactly. Other people treat the thoughts that you don't like that way and move on, too."
     Then something just clicked, and an idea seemed to take root in my mind. I can actually choose what thoughts I pay attention to. I knew that already, but I had never realized it could happen to me. I didn't realize that I did it every day already with certain thoughts. (I'm not saying that I do that with my OCD thoughts, but I'm saying that I realized that I could get to that point eventually.) I felt like a new, sunshine-y ray of hope had peeked out from behind the clouds.
     For somebody trapped by OCD into being sensitive to certain thoughts and being forced into paying attention to them, the idea of having a choice in the matter almost felt like a foreign concept. I often feel like I don't have a choice but to pay attention to every repulsive thought that rolls through my mind because I hate the thoughts. It's like a lightbulb moment to actually take to heart the idea that thoughts are junk, that they don't matter, and that I can be still considered a good person if I don't freak out about the thoughts that I don't like.
     I'll end with this: Thoughts don't matter. It's how you react and treat the thoughts that matters, and actually realizing that is a big deal. I encourage you to read some recovery stories online if you're having a bad day. If somebody else can recover from something similar to what any one of us has going on in our minds, then so can we.