All of us that live with a mental health condition have probably been asked why at some point. As in, "Why are you anxious?" Or, "Why are you having a panic attack right now?" Or, "Why are you depressed?" Basically, the question always means, "Why are you experiencing symptoms of your mental health condition?"
I know the question is almost always meant in a kind way. I know the person asking only wants to understand the condition and the cause for the unpleasantness we're experiencing. I know they're only asking because they think it's helpful. When I woke up the other morning with intense anxiety literally as soon as I opened my eyes, my mom, when I mentioned that I was anxious, asked, "Why are you anxious?" I know she only wanted to help, but I was frustrated by the question, like I am every time she asks me why. My automatic response wanted to be *squints* "If I knew why I was anxious, then I'd be working to resolve the issue." I didn't say that, though, because I understood that she was coming from a helpful place. I only shrugged, but I was frustrated nonetheless.
The reason I find the question so frustrating is because I don't always know what causes me to feel anxious. Sure, sometimes I can pinpoint a triggering event for both my OCD and panic disorder, but a lot of times, like the other morning, I don't know the trigger. As a person that always feels like I need answers and like I need to get to the root of the issue, so to speak, the days when I wake up with anxiety without being able to find the reason for it are the hardest days for me. So, of course it's frustrating to be asked why I'm experiencing anxiety because I've already asked myself that question, and I couldn't find the answer. Someone else asking the same question only serves to drive home the point that I don't know what's going on in my own mind at that particular moment.
Most of us with a mental health condition don't actually know or understand why we have that mental health condition or why we're experiencing symptoms at any particular moment. We know the broad, scientific answer, which is an imbalance in brain chemicals. However, we also know it would be rude to say, "Well, I'm experiencing symptoms because of my brain chemicals," because that's not helpful even if it is the literal answer to the question someone asked. That also isn't the answer family and other loved ones are looking for when they ask.
Sometimes symptoms just...happen, as they do with any chronic health condition. That doesn't mean we caused the symptoms in some way, like by thinking of something that brought on the depression or anxiety. It just means the anxiety or the depression decided to show up and hang out at that moment, even when things seemed fine. It also doesn't mean we're not answering the question because we don't want to. Sometimes, we really just don't know how to respond to that question except with "I don't know" or a shrug.
You can still try to understand and help a loved one as they experience symptoms of their mental health condition. There are questions that we CAN answer and that can help provide insight that are much more helpful than just asking us why something is happening with our brain chemicals. You could ask something like, "Was there a trigger that you can think of?" Or, "What do you need and/or want from me right now, while you're anxious/panicking/depressed?" Or, "How can I help?" Or even, "What do you do to manage these feelings?" (This last one can be particularly helpful during a spiral or panic attack to help with grounding, at least for me, because it jogs my memory for coping techniques and brings me back to reality.)
I'll end with this: Asking someone with a mental health condition why they're experiencing symptoms at any particular moment isn't the most helpful question, even though it comes from a helpful place. We may not be able to answer the question because we honestly might not know why we're anxious, panicking, or depressed. Changing the why questions to something we actually know how to answer is a great way to try to gain understanding and help us when we're trying not to drown in our own minds.
I'll end with this: Asking someone with a mental health condition why they're experiencing symptoms at any particular moment isn't the most helpful question, even though it comes from a helpful place. We may not be able to answer the question because we honestly might not know why we're anxious, panicking, or depressed. Changing the why questions to something we actually know how to answer is a great way to try to gain understanding and help us when we're trying not to drown in our own minds.
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