The Blame Game

     I used to blame myself for experiencing the symptoms of my mental health conditions. Every time I had an anxiety spike because of my intrusive thoughts or every time I had a panic attack, I blamed myself for it. I had obviously done something wrong in the way I managed my mental health, or I wouldn't have had symptoms flare up, right? I even used to go to my appointments and conclude the details of a bad time with, "I know I did it to myself..."

    My therapist was always quick to interrupt that thought. Then she would ask me something like, "What makes you feel like you did it to yourself?" Then I would have to ashamedly tell her how I had caught myself trying to "out-logic" my intrusive thoughts, or doing some kind of mental compulsion, or kept going to a worst-case scenario sort of place until I caused myself to panic. When it wasn't something like that, I would have to tell her that I had watched or listened to something that I found to be triggering, but that I forced myself to "hang in there" despite an increase in intrusive thoughts and/or feelings of panic. So, basically, if I hadn't done X,Y, or Z, I would have been fine, which just made me feel guilty and ashamed.

    My therapist never blamed me, even if I did do something that caused a flare-up in symptoms. She always explained that old habits of how I dealt with my mental health condition (like trying to out-logic the thought or mental compulsions) were hard to break. Of course, I would go back and fall into old habits sometimes because I was still learning and creating new pathways in my brain that weren't as familiar as the old ways. My anxious brain craved the same old routine, and that would be the place it would try to go to. Sometimes I'd catch myself and redirect, but then sometimes I'd slip up. It didn't mean I was doing it to myself on purpose, and so I didn't need to blame myself. I needed to forgive myself and move on. 

    As for the external triggers, she would ask something like, "Did you know it would be triggering beforehand?" Usually, my answers was something like, "Well, it wasn't triggering before." Or, "The last time, it only bothered me a little and then the anxiety dropped after the first couple of minutes so I was waiting for it (the anxiety) to drop this time, too."

    Triggers, especially when we're dealing with something as unpredictable as panic disorder, can vary. Sometimes a past trigger may not feel as intense, and so I might not have a panic attack. Sometimes something that wasn't a trigger before suddenly becomes a trigger, but then it isn't a trigger the next time. (Panic and OCD are different like that. I know my OCD triggers, but I may not always know if something is going to trigger a panic attack until it does.) My therapist understood that and she would always re-affirm the idea that panic triggers are unpredictable, and so I shouldn't blame myself for not realizing or spotting a trigger before the attack starts every time. 

    I even still catch myself combing back through the day to see what I did wrong on a bad day, but I eventually (mostly) stopped blaming myself for the slip-ups. I shake it off as best I can, promise to do better next time, and move on. Old habits, especially if you've had them for a long time and especially if they helped you manage something as traumatic as a mental health condition, can be hard to break. The point is that you're TRYING to break the old habits and redirect to better, more helpful ways of managing symptoms.

    I'd also like to point out: Sometimes we can do everything "right" in the way that we manage our mental health condition, and we will still experience symptoms. That doesn't mean we did anything wrong or that the symptoms flare-up is our fault. It's a chronic health condition, and symptoms come and go sometimes, no matter how well we've been managing it. So, instead of blaming ourselves for it, we should strive to handle the situation with compassion and understanding. (Having compassion and understanding toward myself is also something that I still struggle with, but I'm working on it.)

    I'll end with this: As with all trauma, it's so easy to slip into looking for someone to blame. With mental health conditions, the person we land on to blame is usually ourselves. That's not okay, friends. We don't need to blame ourselves for our mental health conditions, for experiencing the symptoms, or for the little slip ups that may cause symptoms to present. The old coping habits and management techniques are hard to break, and we'll all slip up sometimes and go back to them. The point is to recognize the slip-up without assigning blame and to try to use a better strategy next time.